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Angie Mc
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Living in a retirement town, I wonder...why would so many retired folks choose to come here and be away from their families, especially at Christmas? I'm sure there are many reasons, and I'm not judging...just wondering...then I started thinking...
These retirement communities are about being with your peers. Many of these folks, I imagine, have been heavily peer connected their whole lives...schooling with peers, working with peers. I'm also guessing that many of their children are adults who are peer-centered, living independent lives. Throw into this that so many extended families live far flung from each other...I'm just seeing so much separation.
Most homeschooling families would self-identify themselves as being family-centered. My question to you is, are your parents (your children's grandparents) family-centered or peer-centered? I'd like to believe that living here gives me a warped perception and that there are many grandparents who are family-centered and integrated with their children and grandchildren. What does this look like in your family? If your parents are peer-centered, how do you stay connected and honor them?
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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folklaur
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Wellll.....I would say my Mom is both. She is definitely family-centered, no doubt about that  .
But she does live in a 55 community etc. Though she doesn't do very much of their activites, she feels safer being in the community, I think.
And, well, I think a lot of older people live here because of the weather too....I know if we ever lived someplace cold, my Mom couldn't live there, it just makes her ache and hurt too much -- even the weather we are having right now makes her hurt...
but yes, I do think there is something about it having ot do with our culture always peer segregating....
hhhmmmm.....I am going to think about this more....
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Angie Mc
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cactus mouse wrote:
Wellll.....I would say my Mom is both. She is definitely family-centered, no doubt about that .
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She sure is! In fact, I thought of your mom as I was writing this post. I'm lucky to know her and SEE her as an important part of your family. I think it is cool how she helps with driving and is so available to her grandchildren.
You are right about health issues, too. I know that many folks find relief from asthma and other respiratory problems here in the desert.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Martha
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both are highly peer oriented.
neither have much todoin our lives.
my family is completely out of the picture, most have never seen at least half or more of my kids.
my dh's parents are holiday grandparents, kwim? we see them at holidays and in crisis, but otherwise they "have a life" as my mil told me christmas day when I asked if they wanted to visit the day after. 
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MaryM
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Very interesting topic, Angie. I would say that mine are very family-centered, but not in a day-today way because they don't live near any of their grandchildren. I so wish we were all closer together, but that is not our reality. But we do talk to them frequently and they visit (or we do) several times a year. They are here now for Christmas.
So in their daily life they are community and church centered. Their friends and neighbors are of all ages and they are like parents and grandparents to many people there in the community. They have never had a desire to be part of a retirement community or to be snowbirds like some of their friends.
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Nina Murphy
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3 out of 4 are peer (or self or mate)-centered; one is family-centered.
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Maryan
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Both sides family-centered. And KNOW that I am very lucky for it.
We have brunch at my inlaws every Sunday and live across the street from them. My children adore my mother and father (my mother at 67 plays hide-n-seek with them) and both talk to them on the phone often. She has my siblings and their kids over for meals at least twice a week (which is always over 20 people).
FYI -- my mother did homeschool my younger siblings and so did my mother-in-law...
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aussieannie
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My mum is definately family-centered and hardly in any way peer-centered, my father when he was alive was more socially outgoing but my mum just lives for her family and faith.
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msclavel
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My parents are definitely family-centered, very much how Maryan described her family. Though my parents have active lives, with their own interests, I think it is safe to say that they have put their children and grandchildren at the heart of everything they do. For example, when they planned a trip to Europe this fall, they made sure to time it just right so they would be home to see my baby on her first birthday. I didn't have a big party or anything, but it still mattered to them a great deal to be here and see her when she turned one. I am very VERY blessed by my parents and their part on our lives.
My dh's family...not so much. Lots of problems there. I was going to elaborate, but its probably best not to. My mil is very self-centered.
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nissag
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I agree - this is an interesting topic. Brian's and my parents are not ready yet for retirement, but are nearing it now. I often wonder about how this will look for our family down the road. Our grandparents were very family-centered. Both Brian's Memere and my Nana swung the doors open wide to anyone who needed a home, for however long. Elderly family members were welcome and cared for right in their (our grandmothers') homes.
When Nana died, she died at home, under the care of her children, grandchildren, extended family, friends, and hospice nurses. It wasn't safe for Memere to be at home in the last few years of her life. She was too fragile. So she spent some happy years at a Catholic nursing home.
The two experiences were vastly different for us. Nana was accessible, if I can use that term. We could go and visit, cook in her kitchen, with the same pots and pans we'd always used. Serve dinner on familiar plates. Let the children play at the kitchen table or in the living room. All this while Nana was helped to the bath, made comfortable, talked to, read to.
With Memere, though the facility is fantastic, the visit was much more reserved. We felt we had to cut visits short so as not to disturb other residents. The children were a bit uncomfortable around so many unwell elderly folks. Many were bright and cheery and others were miserable. Looking back I think that the whole scenario seemed un-natural to my children, and to me as well. The one thing that made the family connection in this case was that Brian's mother is head nurse for one of the sections - so she was there daily.
My parents have always been focused on their own circle of friends. We don't see them very much as it is. Brian's folks are a little more family-centered. Given that they all came from very family-centered environments in their youth and young adulthood, it will be interesting to see how their elder-care plays out.
I've always imagined that I would care for our parents in their homes, or in ours. Time will tell.
Blessings,
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nissag
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Maryan wrote:
| Both sides family-centered. And KNOW that I am very lucky for it. |
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Maryan,
You really are blessed! So many of us dream about a family like that. I hope that I can be that for my children and grandchildren.
Blessings,
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Nissa
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vmalott
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We are fortunate that we both come from families that are family-centered. My mother has been a widow for 11 years, and although my brother and I both live many hundreds of miles away, she is still surrounded by our extended family and most of what she does is family-centered. Even senior group things that she does, a sibling or cousin of hers is also involved.
DH's family lives about 30 minutes from us and is very much involved with our family. They go to as many of our children's (and SIL's kids') activities as they possibly can. DH's grandparents used to live part of the year in Las Vegas, but they gave that up about 8 years ago once they started having serious health problems and have been close to home ever since. IT has been a real blessing for our kids to know their great-grandparents (who are actually close in age to my parents).
My aunt and uncle spend the winter months in Florida, mostly for the warmer climate. My aunt suffers from terrible arthritis, so the warm weather is a welcome change for her. My uncle is a lung cancer survivor w/one lung, so I guess the warm air makes things a little easier for him. They usually get many visits from family while they're there, though, so they aren't totally removed from the family. 
Valerie
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lapazfarm
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Both sides are family-centered, big time. In fact, they are really having a hard time with the concept of us moving to Alaska. I think that aspect will be hard on all of us.
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Barbara C.
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This is a tough one for me to determine, because I think it has less to do with preference and more to do with temperament and circumstance.
My mil is the greatest. She spent her whole life living out in the country in Kentucky, but when we moved to the Chicago suburbs she followed us up a year later (upon the death of her mother). She lives for her grandkids, and that is all. Basically, she works and takes the grandkids on Sunday and that is it. She is a homebody with no desire for anything social. She only goes to work-related functions or functions with us. I think, though, that even if she didn't have any family left she wouldn't be peer-oriented. She has a few friends back home that she talks to on the phone sometimes, but otherwise her friends have never been that many or involved with her.
Now with my parents, they are both very active and busy people. They are both involved in several volunteer and hobby-related activities. They are often out to lunch with different friends. However, they usually come up and visit us about three times a year and they have always been there for anything that my sister or family have needed (they would be for us as well if we lived in town).
The thing is that they both had extremely controlling mothers who tried to micro-manage much of their lives even after they were married. As a result, my parents developed a very hands off approach to parenting. As long as we didn't cause trouble, they pretty much left us alone. They also try not to interfere with our marital or parenting decisions and issues unless specifically asked. And sadly, I have much better relationship with my parents when I live farther away. We don't take each other for granted as much for one thing. Secondly, my sister is a big issue. She has really bad jealousy and sibling-rivalry issues that have made me and my parents miserable. My family seems to work better when I live away from them.
And I should note that there are some people that you could never blast out of their hometown, no matter what their friend or family situation. My dad is one of those people. My mom would love to move to Florida for health reasons, but my dad would not even move farther than a five-mile radius from where I grew up if you paid him. I have a friend who is the exact same way.
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stefoodie
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My side is very family-centered, to the point of being "selfish" (we don't want to share each other with anyone else at certain events, e.g., we plan our own little get togethers with JUST US). Dh's mom is definitely peer-centered, but no impact on us since she's on the other side of the world.
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Jenny
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My family is very, very peer centered. I was raised being told to have my children early, get them out quick, and get back to my life at around age 40. (Needless to say, I haven't see my family in almost 10 years. This is just one instance of their thoughts and views. After counseling and spiritual direction, this was considered the best and safest option.)
My inlaws are very family centered, yet they do have a few close friendships. But family always comes first. We lost my dear mother in law in May. She was able to stay at home, and spent her last night on this earth surrounded by her 8 children, their spouses, and about 25 of her 32 grand/great grand-children plus her sister.
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LucyP
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My mil is her sixties, a widow for the past 5 years, and just a very hard lady to be around - very critical, very much sure that only she is right, very belittling of men generally and my dh in particular. She has a wish to be family-orientated, I think, but her own self-will and insularity and special issues of the relationships she has with her children, mean that she is usually alone. It's very sad, but very understandable.
My parents (62 and 54) are into family on their own terms. For example, they want to take our children on their own, have them stay over etc, rather than do things with us. We invited them for Baby's first Christmas and they said no because they wanted to have a lazy day instead. That's an example.
I find it wierd and sad.
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Lisbet
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My in-laws are very family centered. They live an hour and a half away, yet they visit once a week, babysit, play with the children, help out with household projects, etc... I am very blessed for that. (although my MIL has some strange 'quirks' and sometimes likes to stir up trouble around here...)
My parents, well, they are very self centered. They are neither keen on spending time with family, nor do they have many (any?) friends. It's kind of weird. They were like that when I was growing up also. We never saw extended family and we (the kids) were never to have friends over and such... BUT, I will say that they were awesome when Molly was in the NICU, they came here and took care of 7 children, the house, even the basic homeschooling so Tony and I could be with Molly around the clock.
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JSchaaf
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Both my parents and Nick's parents are very self-centered. I often say they like the IDEA of having grandchildren more than the actual children.... 
Jennifer
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marianne
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Our parents are a mix. On my side, my dad is family centered, my mom is NOT. On dh's side, MIL is family centered, and FIL is not so much. He's great, but very busy. He greets our boys with handshakes. 
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: grandparents: family or peer centered?
