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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: Oct 19 2007 at 7:24pm | IP Logged
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Original poster.
I saw similar changes in my own ds when we switched parishes. Being in that kind of environment really does affect a young man. I don't regret the drive at all, even though its hard sometimes.
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and  due 9/10
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BrendaPeter
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| Posted: Oct 19 2007 at 7:46pm | IP Logged
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Dear Grace,
We have a ds13 and life has become more "challenging" in the past few years. Since I'm older now and more tired, I often get this sense that Satan is trying to wear me down through my son.
Here's what we do:
Daily Family Rosary
Daily Mass (or as often as possible)
Weekly or bi-weekly Confession
Lots of involvement from DH
Honestly, the only solution I have found to be true in any difficult situation is for me to become a saint. As Mother Teresa said "What's wrong with the world? You & me." I don't mean to be so simplistic but I usually am about 50% of the problem when it comes to my kids. I find that when I work on my spiritual life, it gives me the stamina and grace to deal effectively with my dc. Also, getting angry & loosing control really reflects negatively on situations like this with our dc. We really need as many graces as possible to help us stay calm, firm, positive & loving in the face of laziness, disrespect, negativity & spoiledness.
As far as something like Facebook, will it nurture her spiritually & help her to become a saint? Since my job is to get my dc to heaven, then that's my typical thought process.
Also in regard to disrespectful behavior, time to get dad involved. That easily becomes a bad habit and needs to be nipped in the bud. Sorry to sound so harsh! Just trying to get across the severity of the matter. Weekly confession would do wonders for that!
As many of mentioned, sending her to school won't make the problems go away.
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Blessings,
Brenda (mom to 6)
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Oct 19 2007 at 9:10pm | IP Logged
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BrendaPeter wrote:
| Honestly, the only solution I have found to be true in any difficult situation is for me to become a saint. As Mother Teresa said "What's wrong with the world? You & me." I don't mean to be so simplistic but I usually am about 50% of the problem when it comes to my kids. |
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And I just wish I could become a saint a wee bit faster  . I do feel that there is a temptation for me to become so focused on a particular concern (be it my teen or a myriad of other concerns) that I become too outer focused (and I'm an extrovert so this outside focus is way too easy and comfortable for me) and use the distraction as an excuse to not keep to my business of becoming a saint. Part of becoming a saint for me in addition to religious practices also involve such little steps...taking naps, watching my food intake, blah blah blah...just to be able to stay calm/firm/clear in the face of difficulties. Did you also notice that when we are most worn down, that's when tough stuff happens...or does it just seem that way?
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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hereinantwerp
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| Posted: Oct 22 2007 at 12:02am | IP Logged
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our 12 yo ds was having a lot of difficulties--(our whole family was, in some ways!). he also was angry, angry, angry, all the time. it is one of the reasons we moved back to the states.
things are not perfect now, but they are much, much better. he seems to be connecting pretty well with Scouting (it has taken many attempts to find something that jives for him), and he has a paper route that gets him out on a walk every day--that makes a big difference. He's not "sporty", but he'll exit the door for money, LOL!
computer has been a big fight at our house too. mainly an online game that he wants to be on. finally, we decided that he is allowed to log on for 1/2 hour to an hour at a time at the public library, 2x a week. this takes the conflict out of our home. the librarian gets to be "the bad guy". it is another small device that just gets him out of the house (we live in a very small town, he can walk to the library). very, very occasionally we let him use our computer at home (NOT for active gaming, but for research related to his own game that he is creating). he does not know the password to log in to the computer, so as long as we are careful to "log out", he can't get on without us (we had some problems with "sneaking" as well). and, if we leave him alone in the house, the internet cable goes with us!
I think it takes so much trial and error, to find the things that "work"--whether it is the wholesome activities they can connect to, or the more relational issues. I think as moms and dads we just have to keep pursuing it (the relationship, the "heart connection" with our kids), and NOT GIVE UP OR LET GO. How many of us had parents that did that? Mine sure didn't (though I knew deep down they loved me, I was very much "on my own" to make decisions, and deal with whatever I had to deal with). So I don't know how many of us even know HOW to do this. But to just keep pursuing it as you would a close friendship, to not just let conflicts (at least the big ones  ) "drop" and go unhealed. I'm encouraging myself here. But after a few very bad years I am so relieved to "have my son back", to see his fun, goofy side again, instead of everything black and negative. He's a bit young for this, but he's always been precocious about everything, maybe we hit some of the conflict stuff early on.
Another thing is, to pray for her (I'm sure you know that!), to not get into the negative or "adversary" feeling but to keep praying with a mother's heart, and to pray WITH her when she is having a difficult day, or facing a challenge, or has a disappointment. Just taking the time to do this touches them. Sometimes I go up to my son's room right after he goes to bed and I sit on the edge of his bed and pray for him--not just a "rote" prayer, but taking the time to really listen to what the spirit might indicate, and praying from the heart--especially vision for him for the future, and what kind of man he will become. I put my hand on him while I do this. He is NOT a touchy-feely kid, but he never minds this.
I will pray for you right now for wisdom and grace with your daughter--those days (months!) when nothing seems to penetrate can feel so frustrating and bleak!!!
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Angela Nelson
Mother to Simon (13), Calvin (9), and Lyddie Rose (3)
my blog: live and learn
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mimmyof5
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| Posted: Oct 22 2007 at 9:07am | IP Logged
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Our second oldest dd has had numerous difficulties with depression and loneliness. Also, she began to view me as 'the teacher'. I remember when I was young and had a teacher(s) that I didn't care for or that I didn't click with, I could always come home and find my mom there. With my dd, she and I did not click with homeschooling. This was exacerbated by the depression. And after a bad day guess who was standing at the stove cooking dinner. The teacher.
Anyway, part of this was a phase and hormones. But with our dd it went beyond a phase. Only you and your husband can tell - and for us, we didn't realize for some time that it was more than just a phase. By that time our mother-daughter relationship had suffered serious setbacks. Also, her behavior, the tension in the house was having a very negative effect on our younger children. It was not good.
This past year my dh made the decision that this dd could go to school. She in 10th grade at a public school. So far so good. She's earning mostly A's, has joined a couple clubs and has a few friends. (The friends do worry me since I'm not well acquainted with their families so we keep a very close eye on that.) Most importantly for me, our relationship is improving. Now she comes home to me and complains about 'that teacher' or tells me the good things that are happening at school. We talk. She's starting to share and open up a little - not nearly enough but an improvement on what we had before. I think for the first time she sees me as a full-time mother.
I don't know what the future holds. In the next few months I could be asking myself why we ever let her go to school and regretting it. But right now it seems to be the best thing we could have done. And that is very hard for me to admit. I'm truly having to trust God with this. Her dad and I prayed about this constantly, and we are trusting in Him. Prayers, rosaries, adoration and a very watchful eye and lots of communicating and Hope!
Just our experience, and we're not done by a long shot.
Janet
P.S. I would keep a very close eye on the internet. Our dd had formed some very inappropriate friendships on the internet, unknown to us. And our computer is in our kitchen - the busiest room of the house, and we monitored it. They started at some message board called 'On the Rock', I think', and Cafe Christ and evolved from there. Now that she is in school and has some IRL friends, she doesn't have the time for internet and doesn't seem to have the same need for it. I agree with the poster who asked if Face Book or My Space is going to help my child get to heaven. For us it has proved to do the opposite.
God bless and you'll be in my prayers.
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fsuadamson
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| Posted: Oct 25 2007 at 5:32pm | IP Logged
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Oh Grace there have been many of those days at Knotty Pines Academy so I totally relate... you have gotten a lot of good feedback so I hope you feel better and you know that you are definately NOT alone in this joyful stage of parenting .
I just want to offer one more really good resource. If you haven't read it yet I HIGHLY recommend the book 'How to Really Love Your Teen by Ross Campbell'. I initially found this book at our library and it was so simple yet SOOOOO good I ended up buying a copy.
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Leslie
dh Dave; dd19; dd17; ds14; dd12; ds9; dd7
Knotty Pines Academy
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: when to quit homeschooling
