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amyable
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According to the OBs, things are progressing nicely here and I could go into labor any day now (I'll be 38 weeks tomorrow, which is my average time to deliver). Unfortunately, dh just pulled a muscle in his back. He says he's OK to help me during labor --but I can definitely tell otherwise, as he says this with a fake smile and painful grimace at the same time  ! If the baby holds off for another week maybe, but not the way things stand now.
I was really hoping for real, strong, physical help from dh for this labor. I wanted to go natural and try several "new to me" things for my usual back labor, etc. Much of this may be a no-go without dh's help. I alreay know I *hate* being talked to during labor. I also dislike any "soft touch" things that he could do like gently pat my hand or softly rub my back or something.
What are some things you like for your dh to do during labor? I'm hoping to find ways he can help that don't drive me nuts. Or do you just like to "do it yourself" without help? I didn't mind that last time (dh slept through it all) but I had an epidural that at least half worked!
I would also appreciate prayers. I am sorely disappointed but know I'm just acting like a big baby. I have been praying for a certain kind of birth, and I guess God is using this to make it happen, but I really can't see how right now!!  I just feel abandoned in my hour of need.  Thanks everyone!
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JennGM
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So you're still here, eh? I've been thinking of you daily.
I absolutely have no experience with labor, but did you see Rosetta Stone's post onBack Labor No More? Maybe that book might give some help.
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amyable
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JennGM wrote:
So you're still here, eh? I've been thinking of you daily.
I absolutely have no experience with labor, but did you see Rosetta Stone's post onBack Labor No More? Maybe that book might give some help. |
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Thanks Jenn, that book is on my nightstand, having been read and re-read (it's very simple and short). It *sounds* like it might work, I really hope it does! I guess that might solve my dilemna, if I can manage it by myself.
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Maryan
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Amy - we loosely took Bradley classes (dh and I) and have had all of kids "naturally" in the hospital.
I'm hesitant to write because some of my labors are less than 5 hours from the very first smallest contraction to baby's birth. I'm 5'8" and seem to be blessed with "easy" labors. So I'm a bit abnormal, take my suggestions with a grain of salt.
For the last baby, Dan finally got the right amount of pressure on my back -- not too soft (yuck) and not too hard (ouch!)!! So it was helpful! I agree with you -- soft touches and gentle talking DRIVE ME NUTS!! (FYI -- all my labor is back labor -- I feel nothing in front.)
Most of it I do myself -- especially during transition:
- I like to be on all fours for as long as possible.
- I close my eyes and "eternalize" - meaning I picture the Cross, offering things up, etc.
- I like Dan to tell me I'm doing awesome when I push.. but not during transition... keep your mouth shut.
When pushing -
- I like Dan on one side and the nurse on the other side -- both supporting my legs and back.
- I don't do any ball stuff, leaning stuff, shower stuff, etc. just walking, all fours (during transition this is in bed) and then pushing in bed sitting upright as I can with their help.
Dan also helps rearrange me in bed if I'm having trouble swinging around or minimumly -- keeping me on the bed without falling off!!
I don't like him to do too much -- but his presence just helps relax me.
Prayers for your upcoming labor!
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teachingmyown
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I am a very hands-off type of person, so my dh is more of an emotional support than physical. He talks me through contractions and holds my hand but that is about it. Mainly, he distracts me. He reminds that I CAN do it, when I lose confidence and start talking epidural.
I am sorry that your dh won't be up to helping the way you feel you need him. Just pray and I am sure God will provide what is missing.
God bless!
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SusanJ
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Can you afford to hire a doula for the birth? She could go with you to the hospital and would probably be able to give your back what it needs as well as think quickly to find ways for your husband to be involved in the birth as he's able.
I've never really had much labor--one C-Section and a VERY FAST VBAC so far. The second birth was short, but kind of awful. My husband was taking care of our son in the next room (no time to call the babysitter) and I was actually glad. The midwife (it was a homebirth) had brought a student who was an experienced doula. She got me through everything really skillfully and seemed to know just what I needed and then ran and got my husband and son when the baby crowned.
Susan
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Rachel May
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Just praying things go well, Amy! I've been thinking about you too! I think if I had the guts I would be that lady who had two drinks and locked herself in the bedroom during labor, so no real help on how to use a husband effectively, sorry, but I am praying your labor will be all you are hoping for!
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Cheryl
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Amy,
I like to stay in our bathtub by myself until we go to the hospital. There, I like my dh to be quiet during contractions. He can talk in between until I say one is coming, then he stops. I enjoyed him slowly rubbing with some pressure from my shoulders to my fingers. (This is if I'm sitting in a chair.) I think we learned that at a Lamaze class during our first pregnancy.
I've had two back labors. Sometimes I liked him rubbing my lower back (with pressure, I don't like to be tickled) when I am on my hands and knees on the bed. I mostly like him just to be there quietly, but many times I liked his encouraging me, especially during the pushing.
I wish you well. I'll keep you in my prayers.
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Philothea
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A rolling pin (yes, for baking) works well on the lower back during contractions, and takes some of the pressure off DH's arms and shoulders.
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graciefaith
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I actually just like him to be with me, talking etc but that's about the extent of his help that i prefer. I dont want him rubbing me or touching me b/c for some reason, it really annoys me. BUT if the the nurses do something like that, im okay. I dont know why. I was like this with my first dd and my mom was the one with me during my labor. SHe tried to rub my back and it just really annoyed me that she was even touching me. Again, if the nurses did it, i was fine.
I always ask for an epidural so he just lifts me leg and that's it. With the last one, the epi wore off. I just like his company basically. If he tries to talk me through contractions, it again just annoys me.
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Barbara C.
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I like him to do whatever the midwife tells him. He tends to get a little panicky and he just doesn't know the right place to rub like my midwife did. He usually does help with holding my hand and leg while I push. And he changes the cd that's playing.
I like quiet when I'm dealing with contractions. Too much noise distracts me. I should say that I don't like discussion while I deal with contractions. Music in the background doesn't bother me.
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I don't like rubbing so much as counter pressure on my lower back.. otherwise.. LEAVE ME ALONE
This usually means me either standing or kneeling and leaning forward onto something.
Water for me is an annoying "touch" so anything to do with that is out.
I've had all 7 of mine naturally.
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doris
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For my 2nd baby (v quick and intense labour), I delivered kneeling up on the bed, hanging on round dh's neck. He was standing by the bed. That might be ok even if your dh has back problems. Try it!
I also used a TENS machine which dh helped by fixing on and after that I just twizzled it myself. (Distraction more than anything, I think.)
My 3rd baby was born in the water and i didn't want dh in there as well. So dh's main job was to hand me the gas and air when i had a contraction and take it again when I spat it out.
I did also like some firm back rubs with each labour. Dh did complain (tongue in cheek!) that that gave him a sore arm!
Otherwise -- dh is required to give me lots and lots of words of encouragement, I'm doing really well, the baby will be here soon etc.
hey, all this might already be too late  ! Praying for you.
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pixilated_momma
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I'm a very cuddling, snuggly type of person ... except in labor. Urgh. DH helps me best by not touching me at all. What does help is that he continually feeds me ice chips ... usually the ones at the bottom of his iced coffee, so I'm sucking on coffee-flavored ice chips for most of labor.
I had an all-natural labor with my firstborn, then epidurals with the next two. DH in both of them was just very low-key, just physical present, and more than anything, he was like my lackey. Seriously. If I needed him to turn up the music, he'd turn up the music. If I needed silence, he'd draw the curtain and turn out the lights. It never worked for me to plan ahead what was going to be helpful, but I just wanted DH to know that he'd have to please indulge my every whim and desire for labor. Then we'd go back to normal post-labor.
And I know it's hard to plan labor one way and go at it another way. It's honestly best to just pray, pray, pray and go with what you need at that time. No one gets a medal for being all-natural, and no one gets a medal for getting an epidural. As long as the labor is submerged in prayer and the baby's healthy, it's all good. 
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amyable
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doris wrote:
| hey, all this might already be too late ! Praying for you. |
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I *wish*!! LOL
Still here...
Thanks everyone for giving me some ideas, and for your prayers. Dh's back is worse. I'm pretty sure at this point I won't even *let* him do anything physical, even if he says it's OK, because I will also need him after the birth to help for a few days at least with the other children. So since I don't like being talked to, and I won't let him touch me, guess I'll be laboring by myself! I'll keep him busy running for ice chips.
Thanks again everyone. You are the greatest, I don't know what I would do without your support and prayers.
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CathinCoffeland
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With my 3 labors I did the same thing... dh sat across from me and i sat on the edge of the bed leaning across a table with my feet on a stool holding his hands...or squeezing his until they were cracking actually might be more acurate
His job was to queitly pray the rosary with me...and keep praying when i lost track of/am unable to say the prayers. I have a small soft knotted rosary with a medal of the holy family I used for the last one my little wooden finally disinigrated after the second labor...I might have been a little rough
I know he lost track too- im pretty sure at some point he would just decide it was time for the next decade...im sure Our Lord understood
Otherwise Dh isnt allowed to touch meor talk...mostly he shoos away any nurses that come in. i dont like to move or be touched. it sends me into "flight" mode and running away is not an option 
GOD BLESS YOU! I will pray that all goes well and your back is strong-I have that back labor too.
Maggie
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Dh is there to sneak me food, get me something to drink/ice chips, go get the nurses if need be, and hold my leg/hand when I am pushing. That is all.
Anything more and I want to beat him senseless. Which, since we now have 5 dc, is not a good idea, because I need him to take care of the other dc.
He's learned to sit down and shut up. If I want him to talk, we'll talk--but I'll start it. He pretty much lets me lead--guess he figures I know what I want, when I want, how I want it. LOL.
GL, btw! If you can, come on and let us know before you leave, so we'll be able to get some prayers going for you, ok?
Rachel
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I need his presence, I need him to set up and fill up the birth tub, I need him to pray with me, to remind me to pray. I DON'T like to be touched either, not at all, I have even caught 6 of my 9 babies by myself because I don't like anyone else to put their hands on me or baby.
I have had back labor with a few also, Mark was a bit cockeyed early on causing serious back pain, the water REALLY helped with that! So did hip rocking until he settled in better.
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No talking allowed here either. 
The single best thing my husband did during the no-drugs delivery of our daughter was to cup his warm hand at the base of my belly during active labor and transition.
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vmalott
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DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS....especially as I get closer to transition!
I'm more of a hands-off person, too, even with back labor. That is, unless the support person knows how to actually do counterpressure RIGHT. In DH's case, he still hasn't gotten the hang of it, even after 5 labors where I had back labor! Oh well.
Mostly what I need DH for is to hang onto during pushing. I need to know that he's there, and that I can squeeze the heck out of his hands, hold him tight, or, in the case of my last birth, bite his leg (I am NOT kidding)!
I'm still praying that all your pre-labor will spare you a lengthy time in the hospital for labor.
Valerie
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Labor - what do you like from DHs?
