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StephanieA
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Oh Nina absolutely! I don't have the physical energy that I did 15 years ago either.In fact after a horrible night last night with the teething baby, I already need a nap  Years ago, I could get through a babies' rough night without an ensuing breast infection the next day. Now, if I don't take a nap or attempt to, I'm guaranteed 2-3 days in bed with a flaming infection.
Elizabeth hit on something I have been thinking about lately too....how we homeschooled 10-15 years ago, our idealogy, our game plan. Well, we had tea parties and LOTS of outside walks everyday. Nature trips on a regular basis. Narration, narration, narration. I was very enthusiastic, and it was all very fun, a new adventure in the path of life.
However, I had to face the fact that while I can homeschool a LITTLE like that now, I can't do it full force. I really don't think it can be done. Grades 6-10 are pivotal years. Face it... if the 1st grader doesn't read well until 3 or 4th grade, so what? I have had 2 older boys who didn't read well until 4th grade and academically they are just fine. BUT....if our high school freshmen is still struggling through algebra 1/2, we may have a real problem if this child is thinking college and scholarships. Plus I have 5 schooling again this year. There is no way I can get a 7th, 9th, 12th grader done at noon for all that "fun" stuff". I have to stop mid-mornings and put the baby down for a nap. There goes a 1/2 hour. The first and 4th grader, I'm not worried about if I don't get done everyday. But if the 9th grader can't write a decent paragraph, it is going to hurt him academically.
So....
While parenting is very demanding when you have lots of little ones under the age of 10, so homeschooling becomes very demanding when you have so many middle school/high school kids to teach. If I can get through the next 8 years or so, it WILL ease up. I must take care of myself though, because my attitude is SO important. It will make or break our homeschool.
Really though, there are times when I just want to be Mom to my kids. I told this to my husband just last week. I have my college son in and out of the house several times a day. I am back being Mom to him and it feels good! Homeschooling is "fun" too, but I can't kid myself, it's a LOT of work....and some seems drudgery.
But so is changing poopy diapers and cleaning floors if you have the wrong attitude.
Sometimes I think that since I have one in college, I am thinking....I did this! This "experiment" worked. But
honestly I will never duplicate his schooling experience, at least not for several years. All the outside oppportunities, the winning of the state history day, competitive swimming, etc. etc. Just thinking about it makes me tired
But...to shake all that out, I didn't do this with the 3rd and it all boils down to my relationship with these kids. So, I can't travel to the state capital on history day with the next few, but I can shot basketball with them.
God does have a plan, and I feel a little like a detective at times, trying to figure it out. But he does provide for our emotional lows IF we align ourselves with what He wants and what is possible.
Oh, off for a cup of something that will get me going, but not Dominic if there is such a thing
Blessings,
Stephanie
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Willa
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StephanieA wrote:
Sometimes I think that since I have one in college, I am thinking....I did this! This "experiment" worked. But
honestly I will never duplicate his schooling experience, at least not for several years. All the outside oppportunities, the winning of the state history day, competitive swimming, etc. etc. Just thinking about it makes me tired |
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This is sort of what I was talking about with a couple of friends who called me as a result of this thread.
My oldest is doing OK; he's a junior and gets good grades -- so did this work? ?? Can I sit on my rocker now and cruise?
Not really -- one, because I put a lot of work into raising him, and two, because he is a different person than his siblings. What "worked" for him might be different than what I need for my subsequent ones-- indeed, I know for sure it is. Three, I did make mistakes -- I can't just take for granted that I can make those mistakes with #7 and have good results. I have to keep trying hard.
When Molly talked to me on the phone, she made the point that though we don't do everything with our youngests that we were able to do with our olders, the youngers get benefits the olders didn't have.
Yes, I've always believed that, and it was very timely to be reminded of it. The effort required now isn't exactly the kind of effort required for my first, who grew up in a different family composition. My Paddy doesn't have hours and hours of mom quality time but he has an entire nest of siblings. His sister and brothers play games with him that I never had energy to play even when I was young.
Paddy's already almost reading -- just from being around me teaching Aidan. This did not happen with Liam...
and so on. Almost all the "youngers" from large close families that I meet are successful on human terms. So there are certainly consolations, and areas where we can do things in a different, possibly less intensive way than we did at first. My olders help me with the housework now. I am by no means as physically exhausted as I was when I had my first three, and even if I had twins now I would be less exhausted than I was back then -- just because I'd have a bunch more help and interruptions of the constant intensity of raising little ones largely solo for many hours of the day.
Still, I do think it can make you tired when you look at what went into parenting #1 and see that this is going to have to continue through. Charlotte Mason talks about a clock only having to tick one tick at a time; yes, but clocks get old
Probably better not to dwell too much on it.... I have been praying for joy. Yesterday, we went to the lake (my version of Julie's Starbucks schooling since we have no Starbucks within 50 miles!) and that brought joy.
I do agree, Stephanie, that it is of crucial importance to keep being a mom. My husband and I basically made a pact about that when Aidan was in the midst of his transplant. We heard the advice from those around us to put the kids in school during that interim. We didn't want to. We looked at each other, acknowledged we had hardly any energy even to be a mom and dad, and decided we would put that part of it first. They can scramble and get an education later if it comes to that, but I don't want them scrambling through life looking for parenting. Obviously the two go together and our mothering is integrally involved with our educating and our aspirations for our kids, and that's a good thing, but whenever I'm aware of having to choose I go for the mothering. (well, except now I'm pushing Aidan away from the computer in order to keep typing, so I probably better listen to my mother bell and get off of here)
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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Angie Mc
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There are so many variables to consider for my current melancholy that my mind fizzles out trying to make sense of it all. Somehow I need to accept my personal discomfort with feeling blah. For the first 40 years of my life, I was a go-getter extrovert, belly-laughing out loud and too often flaming hot angry. If there was a problem, I was convinced, and often did, fix it. I never felt blah. Now I feel blah a lot. Weird. I guess I'm taking a two-pronged approach...I'm trying to be OK with feeling blah and I'm trying to find right ways to not feel blah. Pray for me and I'll pray for you!
I do feel that being over 40 is a major factor. When we first thought to put this forum together we couldn't quite put our finger on what it is about being over 40 that is different. Perhaps that's part of the uneasiness...the unknown...the mystery of this new time. I'm glad and so grateful that we can share in it together.
When I have a minute, I'm going to post about a related topic...
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Nina Murphy
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Angie, REMEMBER you are in a post-partum period still.  I really believe it can be even worse after a loss than a live birth. Give yourself time to attain equilibrium. Put arms around yourself and comfort, encourage, and "allow" yourself. You will lose the total blah---I've been there! And I *know*.... 
Consider hormone therapy? I am totally shocked at how mellow I have been on this Progesterone (too much so---it's like I'm doped). But I know that Dr. Hilgers (whose protocol I am following) recommends progesterone post-delivery to avoid hormonal/physiological fallout. It's just a thought that flashed into my mind. I wish I had tried it with my last m/c.
I DO think as we age we ARE probably more depleted than we realize! We probably need way more vitamins and protein and water than we think. Maybe even more calories, although we don't want to admit it! Sometimes eating more (even though my body doesn't *look* like it needs extra energy...) gives me a chunk of sustained energy to accomplish something or improves my mood for an afternoon and it is only in hindsight that I realize it.
Maybe we DO need some natural hormone therapy. I think we are more vulnerable after all we have gone through for so many years to being "out of whack" physiologically.
AND more sleep and/or "quiet time"---throughout the day: 15 minutes closing your eyes in total silence.
And as for the upcoming homeschooling year: I know I have said this before (but I always fall back into bad habits of over-expectation), I have gotten to a point where I MUST find the lessons doable: either interesting in some way, motivating, inspiring, or fun. For ME...ha!~not for them.
And of course, you can't really choose this over a certain age. It's for the youngers. I just don't think I'm a good homeschooler for the older years. These past couple of years trying to "do right" by my older two and meet certain goals---you know the basics---units, credits, SATs, graduating, things like that....put an almost unbearable strain on our marriage and my poor husband (who had to sacrifice ALOT to shift gears and help me). He really came through---we did it together.
But whew! The thought of going through that again.... so my other current highschooler is finishing up at a start-up Classical school (like Kolbe) at our FSSP parish, and my husband and I do not feel ONE shadow or splinter of doubt that it isn't the right thing. We feel complete and total gratitude and hope for the first time in a while. And this is from a man who absolutely refused school--any school---as an option for our family up until recently. We have been very humbled.
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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teachingmyown
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Well, maybe I am just a girl ahead of my time, I will be 38 this Fall, but I am right with you over 40 gals!
Seriously, each year has gotten a little worse as far as my motivation. This year is just bad. I don't want to homeschool. I have prayed, I have picked curriculum that comes as close to motivating me as anything can (Sonlight), I have read the old standards that used to at least get my idealistic side going. Nothing works. Not even Sally Clarkson who inspired me to pull my oldest out of a really good Catholic school all those years ago.
I don't really have a desire to send my kids to school. Although, I do dream of that "perfect" school where they would thrive in the Faith and in a love of learning. I just don't want to teach them. I don't want to plan it and be responsible for it happening.
I know I am depleted, both physically and mentally. And I was never a high-energy person. But the worst part of it, as Angie said, is feeling "blah". Like I really just don't care, or care enough. For me, in particular, is the struggle that I have with my teen after investing so much of myself into homeschooling him for years. Where many of you see the "fruit" of your labors, I see the lack of "fruit" and it just cuts deeply into my desire to do this for at least 18 more years. I guess I went into homeschooling with such high expectations (really I believed back then that homeschooling was a guarantee that my kids would turn out well) only to be confronted with the harsh reality of our sinful natures that I sometimes wonder if it is worth all this work when there is no guarantee of success.
I know rationally that I am being overly pessimistic. The rest of my kids are young and enthusiastic and have different temperaments than the one who grieves me so. For them, I feel guilty. I know I need to pull myself out of this and give them all I have.
But I am tired, and stressed, and it is all I can do to just be a mom who doesn't bite little heads off when they ask me for something.
Sorry for the ramble, it is comforting to share here. It eases my guilt a little!
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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Elizabeth
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Stephanie,
I completely agree with what you've observed. many of those are my feelings too. And I definitely admit to trying to recapture who I was and what I did way back when. But, by golly, no one around me is the same either and it just isn't re-create-able. My husband has pointed out that when Michael was six, he was working a very low-key job in a nearby university athletic department. Now, he flies all over the country and is gone four days a week. He's feeling many of the things expressed here as well. Perhaps it is midlife...
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Cay Gibson
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Chari,
I could have easily put all mine in school this year and everyone would have been happy except my 14 yr old and 5 yr old who insisted they were happy enough at home.
But---in the throngs of all those people crying on the walk to Calvary when it's so hard to hear the whisper of Christ---I still heard a faint whisper in my heart that hsing was my call to sanctity.
I find focusing to be such a tremendous help. I decided that my 14 yr old (and myself for that matter) are simply too weak in math. That is our focus. If I can give him a strong foundation in math, it will smooth his future path. I paid a nice little sum for the basic high school math and Algebra I from The Learning Company and signed him up for an Algebra I class at co-op. So far, so good.
We will practice writing a nice piece of research or fiction every week.
If we accomplish good math skills and good self-expression on paper I will be thrilled.
I'm focusing on getting Annie (age 5) to put all those sounds together and read this year...instead of acting silly.
Chelsea is a sponge and so like her oldest sister that I do wonder why I'm keeping her home sometimes. She could probably learn lots more if she were in school. And why on earth am I writing that!!!  So I was focusing on what I want her to know and love when the day comes that she leaves our little homeschool cottage under the oaks. I want her to love that memory. I want her to want to return to that happy place. And there's a solution there too.
We're going to read lots of great books this year. And we're going to talk alot. And we're going to cook a lot because she loves to cook. And we're going to go visit Alice's Crafty Cajun Cottage so her daughter Anna and my Chelsea (newfound friends) can get together when we need a drink at the well. And I'm going to sit with her and both the Alices' new tea books and practice hospitality together. And we're going to look through and read homeschooling books and household magazines together and fully immerse ourselves in this lifestyle.
And we're going to focus on Nurturing Beauty because I really believe that is what will revive our spirits.
Autumn and Christmas time are two special seasons for nurturing beauty and reviving spirits, I think. By the time that nice fall weather comes in, you will be rested and ready for revival.
You have given your children such a whirlwind education through travel, Chari. I would be surprised if you weren't tired.  Your children are so blessed, Chari. So blessed.
My prayers are with you, my friend.
__________________
Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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momwise
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Cay Gibson wrote:
But---in the throngs of all those people crying on the walk to Calvary when it's so hard to hear the whisper of Christ---I still heard a faint whisper in my heart that hsing was my call to sanctity.
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MmmmHmmm.....Chari, come back over for another visit o.k? Seriously, I'm glad you brought this out in the open. I had to ask my dr. the other day how you're supposed to know the difference between forgetfulness and dementia and I still have a 3 y.o. to get to 12th grade (but the point of that is IF God is willing).
3yrs. ago I went to my oldest's wedding; 30 days later I moved a household of 12 yrs.; 30 days after that I had a baby on Oct. 1 and school never really took hold. I tried telling myself everything's all reallearning but I had a 10th grader I was responsible for. Last year I miscarried in Nov., then it was Christmas and well... we really didn't ever catch up.
Now I have a 12th and 10th grader and I realize I can't even think up a paper topic anymore. I'm sitting here waiting for the magical learning fairy to leave all the answers under my pillow at night so maybe we can start school sometime soon.
Which brings me to Cay's wise words...and all the graces necessary will still flow. I am asking for more and more all the time. I have to ask the Holy Spirit to inspire me to make the simplest of decisions about a hundred times a day. I rely on my Guardian Angel to remind to do the easiest of tasks. I beg the help of the saints for every step my dc take. Gee, I think I'm right where God wants me.
Do get some rest and when the day comes, the graces will come too.
__________________
Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
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Nina Murphy
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Oh, Gwen, God bless you! Yes! Where have my brain cells gone off to---? IS it having a large family, so many people to remember?
I don't know how to defend myself anymore but to say, "I'm in the early stages of Alzheimer's....." (which seems like an easy out since both of my maternal grandparents had it, and my mom is convinced she'll get it....so it's "in the family")!
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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Erica Sanchez
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WJFR wrote:
| They can scramble and get an education later if it comes to that, but I don't want them scrambling through life looking for parenting. |
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Oh Willa, I love this!!
Even just a few short months ago I would have either skipped right over this thread or chuckled my way through it. I am only a few months into being 40 and I am not chuckling at all! I am tired! I know it is mostly due to a much sooner than expected pregnancy and I am interested to see how I will feel next summer. I haven't gotten near as much exercise during this time around and I feel heavier than usual. :(
Which makes me wonder if it too simplistic to blame tiredness on diet, wieght and exercise, and plain lack of sleep. Eating really, really well, taking vitamins, exercising, and staying within a healthy weight range makes me feel good. Will that be enough in the years to come?
Chari, can you just take this semester off? You could easily pull together enough to satisfy your facilitator without having to do a full curriculum. Your travels alone could cover history and science. Maybe just do math and reading and theater. And, our trip to the Getty will count for something! :)
God bless you beautiful over forty women!
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Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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Willa
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Erica Sanchez wrote:
| Which makes me wonder if it too simplistic to blame tiredness on diet, wieght and exercise, and plain lack of sleep. Eating really, really well, taking vitamins, exercising, and staying within a healthy weight range makes me feel good. Will that be enough in the years to come? |
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Chari eats pretty healthily.
I can't always say that of myself.
I notice my body has gotten less forgiving as the years go by. ... especially since I turned forty. I can't snap back as easily from irregular sleep, from a strenuous day, from stress, from bad eating or too little exercise (OR too much) -- you name it.
I guess many middle-aged women have various vitamin and mineral deficiencies -- isn't that right?
And in general, overdoing things might be more difficult to get away with when we're not exactly young any more?
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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LLMom
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I am right there with you all. I am tired of it all. NO solutions.
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Lisa
For veteran & former homeschool moms
homeschooling ideas
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Nina Murphy
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Just wanted to check in and say: I've been praying for you all. This topic is dear to and elicits much sympathy from my heart.
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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Willa
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I hope I don't hijack the thread when I ask:
What strategies have you all found for substituting for enthusiasm until you get it (enthusiasm) back?
OR-----
Do you put everything else on hold until you DO get it back?
I liked what Elizabeth said about rediscovering your inner novice homeschooler and reuniting her with the older and wiser you, but how do you go about this?
And what do you do in the meantime short of letting the household and homeschool go?
I wonder if it isn't part of our tiredness that with older children, we feel hesitant to take time off to recover, because there are all those credits, exams, etc that Nina mentioned, that don't seem put-off-able?
We feel we have to keep pushing?
Or perhaps they are, even when the kids are older?
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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Nina Murphy
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GREAT questions, Willa, and ones I have been asking over and over throughout the past couple of years.
We found that the things that "bring the joy back" and unleash the inner homeschooler are applicable to the youngers only. I tried it both ways---being on task with everything, being accountable and being "relaxed". For us, the older kids did not do well emotionally to feel like they were "in limbo". (*WE* weren't putting the pressure----it's as if it was instinctive in them, their wiring.... to be able to launch.) Now a lot of this may depend upon the individual child God has given you with his/her wiring and temperament. Some moms have very self-motivated, driven children who thrive on their own!
My "hooks"/memory reminders are: the best of the best children's books, incl. times to research at Borders, trips to the library, discussions in a Forum like this, etc., visits/functions with good Catholic friends (also homeschooled, living the same life) that remind me/show me the power of what we are on a communal/social level. (I tend to stick to home and get worn out by too many functions.) I.e, we need to get out of the microcosmic and see the picture sometimes to get the zeal back. For me, in a small house, sometimes that's just "getting out of the house" which seems contraindicated with being HOME to homeschool. But there must be the ol' balance and listening to your instincts again.
And lastly, for me this year: it's really focusing on the Faith. And since I only have littles, I do not feel that nervousness. I can do all of that "relaxed" stuff, focusing on books, art, puzzles, nature, hugs and snuggles and laughing and lunches out and working on character/virtues stuff. I found I needed to immerse myself in a really Catholic program this year with lots of reminders and visuals sprinkled throughout the lessons about why I am doing this (but it has not always been that way)! So: a lot of Seton workbooks plus lots of fun living books and Dover art books + supplies. I hope I can stick to what I have decided. I hate the fluctuations....I don't think they create stability and our family needs it--a least a semblance, with sicknesses and all.
What are we all going to do? Put our children into the school culture of today? If I didn't have a teeny tiny traditional Catholic school made up of families I have known for years and priests I love/trust....I don't know how I'd be doing right now frankly. I might be a real case.  We just really need to be here for each other.....it just brings it all home to me again. We can not do this alone, without counsel and inspiration and SUPPORT from each other.
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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Leonie
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WJFR wrote:
What strategies have you all found for substituting for enthusiasm until you get it (enthusiasm) back?
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I make myself smile more - seriously. It sounds silly and flippant but reminding myself to smile has a positive effect on both me and the kids...
As I said earlier, I look to rekindle my passion. I read - maybe about homeschooling, maybe a good book for me. I do something different. Change our routine, our meals, our furniture, our activities. I look for some fun things to do.
Yes, even with my teens.
As I mentioned, this is how I came full force into unschooly-ness. I was in a bad place physically, spiritually and mentally. I needed a time ouit. My time out came in the form of spiritual reading and researching unshcooling, keeping up routines ( esp basic household ones) but letting the kids just be, hanging out with kids, reading, watching movies, going on walks - I had littlies and and middle ones and teens. I really re-thought the have tos, the demands I placed on myself, the box in which I had placed myself and , perhaps, my kids...
For us, it worked. It was like a big restful holiday
( vacation) at home and brought us back to rabbit trails and have tos and want tos, with enthusiasm.
I dealt ( am still dealing with) my physical issues, too.
Another time of homeschooling dryness was, for me, when son number six was a baby. I was tired, I had a highschooler, , two middlies, a kindergartner, a preschooler, a baby. We had moved yearly for the last few years . Etc. What rekindled my passion then was - first, looking at unschooling yet again ( I see a thread in my life!) and daily Mass with all the kids. It was work to get them there but it made such a difference to our lives. We often went to a park or to the library after Mass or just came home and worked on maths and housework, but Mass gave me peace and helped me spiritually.
This was actually the year I converted to Catholicism.
Perhaps different things work for different families?
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Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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momwise
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Nina Murphy wrote:
| Yeah....it was *different* pre-High School. It WAS. |
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This is the crux of it I think. I wake up with a "burden" of high school on my heart every day. And I don't have nearly as much fun with my littles as I used to. Is this dryness? Can I have it all? I have been fervently praying that this year I will find the time and energy for everyone...and it isn't a matter of how manyare home-schooling so much as the spread and the ages. You can't have the same units you used to with all of them under 14 and yet...will the littles miss out on everything from here on out?
Maybe it is dryness; my confessor has been counseling me to pray to the Holy Spirit for newness here at home with the family and another one has counseled me on how to change my approach to the faith with the teens. And as I persist in prayer it does make a difference.
__________________
Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
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Chari
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Joined: Jan 28 2005
Location: California
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Posts: 5228
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| Posted: Aug 29 2007 at 1:13am | IP Logged
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I am reading, and meditating, and thinking..........but not able to post........since my original post, I have reached sheer exhaustion.........and had the worst case of pms (a week too early I might add  ) the last two days. Oh, yes, leonie, I NEED to smile, at, to my kids.
We still have one more week of plays........and then, perhaps I can get better sleeping hours.....I am hoping that will help.
More comment to follow......keep chatting, please.
Oh, and thanks for being my friends. What fun it is to read from so many people I have actually met in person!
__________________
Chari...Take Up & Read
Dh Marty 27yrs...3 lovely maidens: Anne 24, Sarah 20 & Maddelyn 17 and 3 chivalrous sons: Matthew 22, Garrett 16 & Malachy 11
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ALmom
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| Posted: Sept 03 2007 at 7:06pm | IP Logged
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Well, if you look at my post on the science thread and the one in response to another post here, I think that points to something. I think there is a certain amount of grieving that occurs - lost dreams - life took its own turns but not necessarily what we thought it would (doesn't mean it was bad or that we aren't grateful but still there is some grieving in letting go of what was not meant to be), children who are leaving the nest, fading fertility ... all of these tire, take the zest away for a time. At some point in the 40s we are experiencing some grieving and have to work through it like any other grief.
I know I'm particularly emotional right now because we just came back from visiting our college dd and I miss her terribly. Each year she goes back to college it gets harder for me (and I thought it would get easier). I'm joyful for her as she is really doing great at skill and loving things. But I also grieve because of the letting go. I also grieve because of her hurts that I can no longer just brush away with a kiss. Still you never stop carrying their suffering as your own - no matter how old they get.
I also feel overwhelmed by the needs of so many at so many different stages. There just doesn't seem to be enough of me and I worry about being there for each and every one of them. I think it struck me when we visited dd at college last year - she is about the only one there with siblings that are little. Most moms I know are dealing with adjusting to moving on to another stage of life - but I'm still in the middle of the mommy of littles even while I try to learn to adjust to the changing roles with my olders. I also have to be sensitive to the grieving of the littles as the family members move on. My 4 yo really has a hard time when our oldest goes back to school. I guess we all grieve at the changing contact, etc. We all remain close, but it is different.
I am currently trying to teach children in high school, middle school, elementary school and pre-school/K. That is a daunting task and I find that I cannot just do nature walks (especially since I don't know how to name anything in the first place) and read alouds until we move on. My high schooler feels the stress and wants me to give her specific assignments and what must be done, etc. I have to work with my middle schooler one on one at least in the areas of extreme weakness. Some of my littles I honestly don't stress over academics but I do try to make sure the base is set - it is so much harder remediating later. That is a lot to try to juggle. I call on my children to help run the house - ie we share chores, etc. but still it seems like things are always hanging over our head.
I grieve the loss of how perfect I was going to do this all and how wonderfully excited all our children were going to be over any kind of learning (I expected my children would just begin to pick up books to read and tell me about them and find out things and get excited and we could follow their trails. I never thought I'd end up with 5 children needing vision therapy who for the first 10 years or more of their life simply hated books of any sort other than read alouds, who had to practice over and over cutting with scissors, ... I certainly never expected to have to do vision therapy at home as well as teach at home). I was going to be the always cheerful, ever efficient wife and keeper of the home, I was going to always be present to the children ... I've had to let go of those dreams of perfection and accept my imperfection and humbly pray that while I do my best to meet the needs in my family, Our Lady please feel in for the inevitable gaps. If there was something I didn't know, we'd find the answers, I'd have fun in the search - but reality is I got overwhelmed in the search. I'm reading Biology to try and figure out how to help my dd - but my science background was pathetic and I really don't have time for this and helping the other learn how to spell, and...
I've had to really get my husbands attention. I cannot do it all and I'm so emotionally in the mix of things that it is hard for me to even prioritize. I need him desperately to do that - to take leadership. I find any stress just more than I can handle right now. I've tried to communicate well what I'm going through. I know we need to have more time together.
We both had dreamed of another baby - it doesn't seem to be part of God's plan for us and I'm finding this extremely hard to accept. I rejoice with all the baby announcements and all - but every time I also have another part inside me cringe and cry for what doesn't seem to be meant for us. I think the grieving here zaps my energy in other areas. I know I am grateful for the beautiful children we do have and I am trying to be accepting of whatever. I've begun to go through the little dresses we've saved for the next one (I don't have much boy stuff left as after the 4 boys most is in pretty bad shape) and the maternity and baby stuff and try to part with it.
Then there are the financial stresses and the isolation. I'm not at the women's stuff at church cause its all during the day when I'm teaching. I'm not at the school stuff because I'm teaching my own. And unfortunately in the big parishes, unless you are signed up for something, you don't really seem to exist.
I find myself feeling a bit lonely at times just like my oldest dd.
I too am tired of homeschooling. I have been for a while - though I wouldn't change homeschooling either. I have one in college and a 15, 13, 10, 8 and 4 yo. I've homeschooled all of mine from day 1 - none have ever been in any kind of school. The college child is doing fine - but there are worries and stresses with her too - I guess that is just me. She has struggles with lack of faith support where she is. I am so proud of her for not compromising her faith or her morals and for her very wonderful personal skills where she really is doing well in school, working well with people and I could burst with pride. But I hurt very deeply for the lonliness that she experiences, for the inability to be accepted in her own parish (she has no option but the on campus). She has had to stand without peer support for so long and I so long for her to have the joys of that sharing. I want to wrap my arms around her and take the hurt away - but I cannot. I also know realistically that her academics could have been much stronger with someone else - in a school setting. Her science from home was deplorable. I know that in our oldest's field, music camps and ... are pretty important but we've never had the money to send her off to the prestigious ones . Still living in the south, she'll probably have to leave the area eventually if this is her path.
Then I have my second child who is very, very bright but I have done a very bad job in science and this child - like her sis, is suffering from that failure (inability of mine) to teach science. But she is a highschooler and we do have to have realistic science credits on her transcript. We've tried everything to try and help - but it isn't within my abilities. So in 10th grade we are still trying to finish 9th grade math and science (and we are at the first part of the year). I'm still searching for answers while we try to bog ahead. We both feel the weight of the "we're behind" syndrome. But the reality is that we are. This child doesn't want college right now and we may do 5 years for high school instead of 4 but really I just want the whole high school stuff over. I'd love her to just be home with me for a few years without any specific academic demads. She is very, very introspective and sensitive and sometimes my volatile emotions (I'm more of a roller coaster) throw her. She suffers in different ways and needs me. I know right now she has a very, very close friend that helps the homeschooling teens challenge and has averted the intensity of the lonliness our oldest felt - but this friend will be going off to college next year and I don't know what will happen for her after that. I also find it hard to carve time for her - but essential to do so. I sense that she needs me now more than ever and I am so frustrated by the stupid science. If only I could just hand that over to someone else for a while or just be done with it. She learns so differently to anything I'm used to and I give her lots of sway - but she wants me to give her specific daily plans now. Sometimes with her, I wish we lived at another time when it wouldn't be a failure to just throw up your hands and say to heck with science, who cares. We've been through so much to get here - she reads, writes and does so much so well. She really is a brilliant and talented girl - but she cannot read a science text and make heads or tails out of it. She and I have done agonizing therapy together to get past the vision problems - and we have. But sometimes I cry that I don't know this child better. Now, I'm not saying that I really don't know her, it is just that so much time got eaten up with doing what had to be done and I just want to enjoy her in the time she is still with me at home. How can I manage that and still be honest to the state? I haven't come to any solutions yet though we have put feelers out for a science tutor.
Really, when you have such a variety of ages, there is always someone who has crisis level needs, someone who is struggling with something in a major way. With only a few or with a few in the same general age, then you have years of crisis and years of being able to relax and look at where you are and enjoy. Now you see that ebb and flow with individuals - but while one is in the relax year, someone else is in crisis and so your adrenaline is pumping in permanent crisis handling. It is no wonder that I've had health type concerns - I've been dealing with crisis for at least 15 years straight. I remember the tangible relief I felt when our oldest graduated - aaah the stress of high school gone. I forgot that I had another highschooler coming up and the stress is still here.
I have learned things with the first - I am not trying to teach what I cannot. If it is essential for their high school transcript, we somehow have to find a tutor, a class or the child has to be pretty independent in that subject. Sometimes I feel the stress and peer pressure - we don't have AP credits, we don't have honor societies and all the other stuff that colleges look for. My dd is having to take some pretty doofishy courses that she already had in high school because we didn't have these things. I feel guilty that if I'd had more energy, more knowledge, etc., we'd have figures some of this out better and ... but I cannot. I AM tired.
And, yes, my diet is lousy, my sleep is lousy, I don't exercise .... None of this is different from when I first started. Some of the reason things are this way is that I got tired of carefully maintaining all those other things and still feeling tired and ... I got worn out. I don't think those things are the only reason for tiredness for homeschooling moms. We have been doing something for so long - something extremely demanding, most of the time with very little encouragement (more often than not we've been under the microscope to see if this crazy idea of ours hurt our kids) and even less support. I need encouragement (I am after all a weak, human being).
Some of it may be burn out - I'm sure that factors in for me as I haven't had a break in years, have forgotten even what I like to do and we've not had a summer in over 4 years.
I have told my husband - I don't want to be therapist, I don't want to be teacher. I just want to be able to be a mom - to support them and let someone else carry the weight of all the academic stuff. Besides, I really don't feel capable of guiding them much through the high school level material. I've faced my limits and tried to accept them and compensate as best as possible - I hired a Latin tutor (new stess now as finances are tight and tutors and therapy are expensive), we are looking for a science tutor. I signed up for Kolbe to have someone grade their papers. I really do not stress over the younger childrens academics and our school year is mostly fine as far as things go. I get a little sad when I realize that I've let go of lots of my dreams about how homeschooling would be - and I think that this letting go was realistic as it didn't fit our family. Still I sometimes cry a bit when I see the wonderful things on this forum as much of that is exactly how I saw our homeschooling - so relaxed and fun and.... My children had vision problems and were not enticable with books or projects. I had to assign some things to make sure it happened at all. I didn't want to do it this way, it just became obvious that this was what needed to be done. I also tried unit study type things or doing things as a group - that was supposed to free up a lot more mom time. Well, that didn't work for us either.
I grieve the "ideal" homeschool of my mind and am dealing with reality here in my home. I grieve that it doesn't look like God plans to send more babies and am trying to move on. Right now it is still tough because hope still comes and goes every month but reality is that I am much older and pregnancy didn't come easily even when I was younger. Practically speaking, a baby in our future is less and less likely all the time. I miss my oldest so their is some grieving there even though she is still coming home often and staying all summer and talks to us every Sunday night and shares so much and we are close. Still the time when she will go off is coming closer.
Throw in my dh father's death, financial stress and a few job stresses, some learning struggles with dc, an extra schooling in the home and it would be surprising if we weren't tired.
I'm sure my stresses and griefs are much less than most and certainly not out of the ordinary stresses and strains of life - still I do think there are some unique features of the large, homeschooling family where there are so many dc in so many different stages all at once and a homeschooling mom does have some extra strains. I'm thankful for this group of ladies here as this is the first real, tangible support I've felt in years - someplace I don't have to always seem like everything is going grand.
Janet
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Nina Murphy
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Joined: May 18 2006
Location: California
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| Posted: Sept 03 2007 at 8:45pm | IP Logged
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THANK YOU, dear Janet, for your beautiful post---for sharing your life and heart so deeply. It is so raw, isn't it? It's so hard to share. But see what good it can do for ONE soul (like me) to read someone's else's generous (albeit difficult for them to pour out) experiences and thoughts! I, for one, do not feel as lonely tonight. 
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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4Real Forums : St. Anne's Tearoom: Growing in Wisdom over 40
Topic: Hi, My Name is Chari......
