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Mary G
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... this will make you weepy.
Today, I took the little ones to Barnes and Noble and let them each pick out a book. Maggie (7) picked out an adapted Little Women that came with a locket (I know, it's twaddle, but she's my slow-to-read one so I'm trying to do what I can). Anyway, on to the weepy part....
We get home from our errand-running and she's immediately busy with paper, scissors, tape, etc. After a half hour or so, she comes running to me to put the locket around her neck. She then whispers to me that she's drawn a picture of her brother Joe (18 and left for LSU at the end of May) and stuck it in the locket so that she can always look at him .......
I am still weepy, writing this!
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MaryG
3 boys (22, 12, 8)2 girls (20, 11)
my website that combines my schooling, hand-knits work, writing and everything else in one spot!
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Elizabeth
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 Michael stuck his class schedule and his training schedule on the refrigerator this morning; I can't open the door without getting a lump in my throat. But here's the kicker: neither can Katie. I know this is going to be hard on my but I'm not at all sure how to help my little ones. Any ideas? Poor Maggie. I'm thinking of a lady I know who had twin brothers. They were Maggie's age when they went to college. She's about 50 now. She still cries every time she tells me about it. This is loss.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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8kids4me
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Elizabeth wrote:
| This is loss. |
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You are so right, Elizabeth, this is loss. My oldest five kids are all gone, and #6 is in college, so only home on breaks. My two "littles" really only remember Em, Rob, and Cath being at home. They can talk to Em and Cath on the phone, but Rob being overseas really tears at their hearts. Every time they see someone in uniform(which is often, as Em lives on an Army base with her dh, and we go to visit her any chance we get  ), they(and I) get weepy. There is just a big ole hole in my heart when my kids aren't near me.
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Cindy B, mama to 8 great kids, and 5 grandbabies!
http://www.magnolialane.wordpress.com
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folklaur
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My ds8 (who also has Asperger's) just recetly "realized" about dd17 going off to college next year (this is her last year home. They have an extremely close bond.) We were at the dinner table, and we were talking about Benedictine, and he suddenly said, "But - will Sarah be gone all day?" And she slowly said to him, "well, I have to go and live there..." and he said, "But - I want to see you every day!" His lip starts quivering, Sarah runs down the hall cuz now she is crying, and I feel this emotion in my heart (and lump in my throat!) like no other...
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Donna
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Yes, this is loss.
Our oldest son, Jason, left in the fall of last year. I still expect him at the dinner table. Stevie left a couple of months ago, and though I joke about her being ten million miles away (it's 10 miles) it really feels like she is.
Lumps in my throat are common, as are quick dashes from the dinner table (as my eyes fill up with tears) so the other kids don't see me cry.
It is getting easier, though. I try to stay focused on the ones still here and how blessed I am that the oldest kids have been raised to be on their own. That was the goal  .
I am really enjoying this new relationship that I have with Jason and Stevie. An exciting new phase of motherhood.....it's great!!!
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Donna
DH, Keven
Jason, Stevie, Marie, Jackson, Clara, and Aaron
Jacob, Sam, and Regina with God
Grandbabies Leigha and Elsie
Moments Like These
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Maria B.
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My first to leave home, Billy, is a plebe at the Naval Academy. He left at the end of June. We have very limited contact with him, although this will change somewhat during the academic year. All of us have had a tough time missing him. My older girls miss "boy conversation". They always stayed up late at night tlaking about any and everything with Billy. My younger boys miss their big brother too, more his physical presence. He shares a room with the 3 younger boys and they would always have pillow fights, etc. My five year old asked me a couple of days ago when Billy was coming home.
"Will he be here is 21 days (his favorite number!)?"
"No," I said. Billy won't be here for a long time. (He can't come home until Thanksgiving.) But we will see him in three weeks."
"That is too long. I miss Billy."
This coming from a kid that rarely voices his feelings at all.
Bottom line, it is TOUGH. I am still learning about this new phase of motherhood and struggling. My sister, whose boy friend is a Marine, gave me some beautiful advice. "When you are missing him ask the Blessed Mother to comfort him. Ask her to wrap her arms around him, just as you would. Ask her to be his mother and give him the motherly comfort and support he needs. She won't let you down." This helps me so much. It is also a great "visual" for the younger kids to know that their brother is not alone. He has Mary looking out for him.
All is all it is not easy and takes time. Allow yourself that time. Allow your kids that time. Talk to them about it so that you can deal with it together.
The stages of motherhood are many ... amazing.
Prayers for all of you with children leaving the nest.
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Maria in VA
Proud Mom to 10 Great kids!
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lilac hill
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Elizabeth wrote:
| I know this is going to be hard on my but I'm not at all sure how to help my little ones. Any ideas? . |
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DD#2 and DD#3 spend time on the phone with DD#1 when she is away at school.
Almost daily they will chat about things or almost nothing at all.
I do not organize this or monitor it( especially DD#2 who is a night owl),alhough sometimes I will suggest one calls the other to help in some of their rough spots. They sort of drop in on each other.
Occasionally it is a bit "Mom hard" to get news second hand from my daughters at home about the one away but they like being the first to know stuff too. It is also odd and lovely at times to realize their relationships are maturing without my direct oversight.
Early on we got in the habit of asking the call recipient if it was a good time to talk. Tha smoothed ruffled feelings when the other person was busy.
This is probably modeled behavior since I chat with my own sister more than once a day as I did with my Mom.
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Viv
Wife to Rick (7/83), Mom to dd#1(6/87), dd#2(1/90), and dd#3(6/94) in central PA.
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Shari in NY
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It is very hard to have our children leave home. I thank God for cell phones. We talk with the ones away from home nearly every day and are able to keep up with each others lives so when they do return home they don't feel like strangers. Still, I miss them However, next year's planning is going a lot easier with no highschool transcripts to worry about
Shari
mom to dd24;dd21;ds18;ds11;ds11 and ds7
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Maria B.
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Email and IM help too. Billy does not have that available to him now, but will during the academic year. Just a few words of contact are helpful!
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Maria in VA
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MaryM
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Yes, the cell phone thing really helps. In the beginning someone talked to him every day. Sometimes it felt like we were actually talking more than when he was here.
When our oldest left for school last fall it hit the 6 year old the hardest, which surprised me as he hadn't acted like it would affect him. I think it is just really hard for ones that age. The afternoon we left him at school, we went to Mass together and the priest's homliy was about the transition,letting go, and missing. That really made it real for our little guy and he cried quite a bit during that Mass. Then after that for many weeks he would start crying in the middle of every Mass (remembering his brother).
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Mary M. in Denver
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Elizabeth
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MaryM wrote:
When our oldest left for school last fall it hit the 6 year old the hardest, which surprised me as he hadn't acted like it would affect him. I think it is just really hard for ones that age. The afternoon we left him at school, we went to Mass together and the priest's homliy was about the transition,letting go, and missing. That really made it real for our little guy and he cried quite a bit during that Mass. Then after that for many weeks he would start crying in the middle of every Mass (remembering his brother). |
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Well, there's another question. Do we take them all with us on move-in day? Honestly, I'd prefer not to as I'm worried about keeping them safe as people are coming and going in the dorm. But is it important that they'd be there? Is it important for them to see where he is? Would we be a spectacle and embarrass Michael?
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Maria B.
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Elizabeth,
I did not bring our 5 and 7 year old, and I am so glad I did not. Although dropping off Michael will be a bit different than it was for us and Billy, it still is "dropping him off". There are some things to consider.
The day is completely chaotic. People coming and going, crowds, etc. Practically speaking it is just too hard to keep track of everyone. Plus, the chaos tends to upset little people more, I think.
Then there is always the unexpected. You might plan how and when you will say that "final" goodbye, but often it doesn't happen that way. Often it is rushed and spur of the moment. You can't do a "quick" goodbye with 7 little people!
And what about the young adult leaving home? He is already stressed, excited, anxious, etc. Adding siblings to the mix just doesn't work well.
And then there is mom and dad. Most likely, you will be emotional too. Older kids can usually understand and handle seeing mom and dad cry. But it can be upsetting and create many unsettling thoughts in the younger siblings.
I think the best thing is to have the little ones stay home. You can bring the older kids if they really want to come and it is okay with big brother or sister. Have a farewell celebration the day before and have everyone say their goodbyes at home.
We took lots of pictures so the little siblings could see where Billy is at, etc. This helped a lot.
One thing that has helped us a lot is keeping Billy's schedule posted in the kitchen along with his picture. Often times one of the kids will say, "Now Billy is going sailing. Now Billy is doing __________!" It gives them a sense of connection with him.
Another huge source of comfort has been to say a Hail Mary at all our meals for Billy when we say grace. This is in addition to including him in all our prayer intentions, Masses, etc.
Hope this helps.
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Maria in VA
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8kids4me
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Maria B. wrote:
Often times one of the kids will say, "Now Billy is going sailing. Now Billy is doing __________!" It gives them a sense of connection with him.
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That's what we have to do with Robbie. We can only talk to him if he calls us(hard to do), we wait for letters, but he works 12 hour shifts, and sleeps a lot to avoid the heat. When we talk about him, we figure out what time it is over there, and talk about what he might be doing. It helps a little.
missing my kid.
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Cindy B, mama to 8 great kids, and 5 grandbabies!
http://www.magnolialane.wordpress.com
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hylabrook1
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Elizabeth -
When our dd moved into the dorm at Catholic University (a similar distance from our home in Maryland to the distance Michael will be from home), only the parents actually moved her in (actually only her mother, as daddy was in Scotland on business -- talk about crazy). You are so right about the safety issues of the in and out of the dorm. Also, having the other children along is a huge distraction to the one who is starting school. Often during that move-in, you are running hither-and-yon -- to the bookstore, the tech support people are setting up people's computer connections in the dorm rooms, dorm-mates are in and out meeting one another, and thousands of other things. Trying to mix the other children into this is stressful beyond what is necessary!
We had the younger children come and visit their big sister the weekend following her move-in. She was a little bit settled by then, could *show-off* her new home, etc. We all went to Mass together at the Basilica, which was also lovely.
Not meaning to go too far off topic from Mary's original post, but still I wanted to share our experience with a similar situation and to encourage you; this is a tough time for a mom and for the other siblings.
Peace,
Nancy
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Mary G
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Elizabeth wrote:
Well, there's another question. Do we take them all with us on move-in day? Honestly, I'd prefer not to as I'm worried about keeping them safe as people are coming and going in the dorm. But is it important that they'd be there? Is it important for them to see where he is? Would we be a spectacle and embarrass Michael? |
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Elizabeth -- Joe drove himself to LSU (and got a ticket on the way  ) but that's how he wanted to do it ... he was very ready to be grown up and do this on his own and we had to respect that. I did the same -- Dad took me to the airport and I got on my first airplane ever and flew to Gonzaga (never having seen it before) and it was SUCH AN ADVENTURE! The girl next to me on the plane was boo-hooing and I just couldn't understand why she wasn't as excited as me!
We're going to try to go visit him this next Spring -- he'll be settled in and it will be much more relaxed and he'll be able to show us around and let the kids know what/where he goes/does things.
Move-in day is always such a crush and Michael would probably already be a bit stressed and not really know what's going on so you might want to wait and visit him as a family.....
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MaryG
3 boys (22, 12, 8)2 girls (20, 11)
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4 lads mom
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cactus mouse wrote:
| My ds8 (who also has Asperger's) just recetly "realized" about dd17 going off to college next year (this is her last year home. They have an extremely close bond.) We were at the dinner table, and we were talking about Benedictine, and he suddenly said, "But - will Sarah be gone all day?" And she slowly said to him, "well, I have to go and live there..." and he said, "But - I want to see you every day!" His lip starts quivering, Sarah runs down the hall cuz now she is crying, and I feel this emotion in my heart (and lump in my throat!) like no other... |
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Oh, Laura....I am having a hard time getting it together after reading that one. What a sweet, precious relationship they have!! I'll be praying for your little guy.
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Mom of four brave lads and one sweet lassie
Scenes From This and That
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MaryM
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Elizabeth wrote:
| Well, there's another question. Do we take them all with us on move-in day? Honestly, I'd prefer not to as I'm worried about keeping them safe as people are coming and going in the dorm. But is it important that they'd be there? Is it important for them to see where he is? Would we be a spectacle and embarrass Michael? |
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Since all responses have indicated a preference for not taking the family, I'll chime in. I would say that because of differing situations/circumstances for the family as well as varying campus dynamics that there isn't a set recommendation that works for everybody. I think in many situations the family can go and have a positive experience. It doesn't have to be negative or stressful.
In our situation our son is attending a college over 1000 miles from home. Since both of us (dh and I) were going and we were driving, we didn't have any other choices than to bring the family with us. They couldn't stay on their own and we didn't have a reasonable option to leave them for that length of time.
This university made move-in time a whole weekend and there were activities and events for the family. Our son lived in a small residence hall (35 men) so we didn't have to navigate crowds or stairs/elevators and large distance to move his stuff in. It was quick and the kids liked being able to help.
We pretty much let him have his own space (didn't hover around the hall while he set up and met people) and did our own campus and city stuff over the course of the 2 1/2 days we were there. We would meet for some meals, for Mass, for just some visiting time when he didn't have other commitments. It made the transition more gradual. I realize that not all campuses offer anything like this as an alternative. I have heard from friends that many schools have a short time frame and expect the families to be gone by a specific time that same day. I expect that the military academies might be the hardest that way.
The goodbye wasn't too emotional for the younger ones. Neither dh or I cried when we said goodbye (does that make me seem callous?  ). In reality I was very much at peace even though I would miss him. He was transitioning well and excited about being there, and that made me very comfortable. I was more excited for him and proud of him than anything.
I just asked my 7 year old how he felt about taking his big brother to school last year - Does he wish he hadn't gone because it was sad for him? He said he was glad he went because he "got to see where David lived," we "got to visit Amuma and Jaja (grandparents)" on the drive home, and the "hamburgers and cookies in the COG (dining service) were good!" Because of the distance and since they would have had little opportunity to see where their brother was otherwise, it was important that they could come then.
Now that being said, many people are talking about close campus situations where it would be very easy to visit after the new student was more settled in. And Elizabeth, I'm sure you'll be attending a few soccer games there this fall. Going a little later is a great option for those in a situation where it is possible to do that. And like Mary G. will do by visiting in the spring the children will get a chance to see big bro in new place. Find out what the circumstances are at the particualr university. It could be family friendly.
My parents and younger brothers and sister came with my parents when they dropped me off many years ago. It seemed, I guess, because of that experience I never really thought about it being any different.
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Mary M. in Denver
Our Domestic Church
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momtomany
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My 2nd oldest dd is getting married in 8 days. One of her brothers, my special needs guy John, is insistent that he is moving with her to her new apartment with her husband. He's going to be devastated when she goes, though she'll only be about 20 miles away. We've been blessed to have her home for the two years since her college graduation.
My 2nd oldest ds will be back at college, 2 hours away. but he is a senior this year, so we are kind of used to him not being around that much.
My oldest ds will be deploying to Afghanistan in January. I'm trying to block that out of my mind for a while. Until I really have to think about it. I remember his year in Iraq, the longest year of my life. And I remember well the day he came home! It was just as joyful as all the days that my children were born!!
Having kids leave home is very hard. But I'm glad that we are a close family, no matter how much it hurts when they go.
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Mary Ann in PA
wife to MIchael, mom to Elizabeth, Becca, Tim, Peter, Andrew, Sarah, Matthew, John, Leah and Joseph
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Maria B.
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momtomany wrote:
My 2nd oldest dd is getting married in 8 days. One of her brothers, my special needs guy John, is insistent that he is moving with her to her new apartment with her husband. He's going to be devastated when she goes, though she'll only be about 20 miles away. We've been blessed to have her home for the two years since her college graduation.
My 2nd oldest ds will be back at college, 2 hours away. but he is a senior this year, so we are kind of used to him not being around that much.
My oldest ds will be deploying to Afghanistan in January. I'm trying to block that out of my mind for a while. Until I really have to think about it. I remember his year in Iraq, the longest year of my life. And I remember well the day he came home! It was just as joyful as all the days that my children were born!!
Having kids leave home is very hard. But I'm glad that we are a close family, no matter how much it hurts when they go. |
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Wow Mary Ann! Your are an inspiration to me!
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Maria in VA
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Alison
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I got an e-mail from oldest ds today saying they are due to leave for Wisconsin to start the novitiate.Although he's already so far away from us we've been in touch almost every other day by e-mail and often by phone but this e-mail said that he didn't think they'd be allowed much time for e-mail or phone calls in the novitiate...and now he feels just so far away to us ! Our oldest daughter left on Wednesday for 6 months in New Zealand and now we are such a small family...only four children at home. Our 6yo is always saying he wishes his brother hadn't gone away; there's no one to make up light-sabre/sword games anymore. Ds 10 also says he misses his biggest brother to tell him all about birds and find interesting things under rocks. And for me its coming to terms with the fact that although ds will always be part of our family he also has another family too.
Maria B said:
"When you are missing him ask the Blessed Mother to comfort him. Ask her to wrap her arms around him, just as you would. Ask her to be his mother and give him the motherly comfort and support he needs. She won't let you down."
great advice.
Ah well before I get weepy I'm off to hug a 6yo and make a leggo model with him and his 10yo brother
Alison in Adelaide (on a grey drizzly day!)
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Those with kids away from home ...
