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MrsKey
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| Posted: July 16 2007 at 7:45am | IP Logged
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amyable wrote:
P.S. Any books in particular that would help me get over the martyr complex,"Oh woe is me, nobody really loves me, even though I kill myself doing everything for them..." -flag those with a big star, will ya? I'll put those on the top of the list, LOL!!  |
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I don't have any suggestions re: the submission issues but that is because I haven't really read much about that.
On this topic though I think one of the best books to read to help you get over this (and I'm working on it, too) is Holiness for Housewives: And Other Working Women by Dom Hubert Van Zeller.
This book really focuses on blooming where you are planted and finding the call to holiness in our daily lives, even if that daily life is cleaning crayon marks off the dining room table rather than one of contemplative prayer.
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Carole
Wife to Tom since '94 and mom to Bree since '96
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DominaCaeli
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MrsKey wrote:
On this topic though I think one of the best books to read to help you get over this (and I'm working on it, too) is Holiness for Housewives: And Other Working Women by Dom Hubert Van Zeller.
This book really focuses on blooming where you are planted and finding the call to holiness in our daily lives, even if that daily life is cleaning crayon marks off the dining room table rather than one of contemplative prayer. |
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Yep, this book is great for the "martyr complex" in all of us!  It always reminds me that my daily chores are not just a duty but a privilege--the way Our Lord has specifically chosen for me to serve him, the way I can participate in His eternal plan, the way I can become holy. I also recommend this one.
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Blessings,
Celeste
Joyous Lessons
Mommy to six: three boys (8, 4, newborn) and four girls (7, 5, 2, and 1)
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amyable
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MrsKey wrote:
[QUOTE=amyable] On this topic though I think one of the best books to read to help you get over this (and I'm working on it, too) is Holiness for Housewives: And Other Working Women by Dom Hubert Van Zeller.
This book really focuses on blooming where you are planted and finding the call to holiness in our daily lives, even if that daily life is cleaning crayon marks off the dining room table rather than one of contemplative prayer. |
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Hmmm...maybe "martyr complex" isn't what I'm getting at? I don't mind at all the menial labor - cleaning off crayon marks, wiping the noses, laundry, dishes, etc.
What I mind is doing all these things while my husband reads the paper and my kids play, and I'm in pain and exhausted from the pregnancy ... or feeling like I'm the only one who is sacrificing - letting dh watch what HE wants on TV always, staying up late because I really feel he needs my company even though it makes me a worse mother all day, doing what he/kids want every weekend, not getting enough dinner because yet again I misjudged and didn't make enough of X, Y, or Z (so I fill everyone elses plates). That's why I feel like "Cinderella" - not so much the tasks but the fact that I feel like I'm the only one sacrificing myself to the bone. (and I don't have one IRL person I know to model myself after - all relatives/friends are more in the "take it easy - what's in it for me" camp)  )
Goodness, I don't mean to sound whiny, just wanted to explain what I was getting at in the earlier posts. I think I have Holiness for Housewives around here somewhere, and I don't remember it addressing my *real* issue, although I was probably just blind to it at the time! 
Heh, I think I've hijacked my own thread (turning it into a post on "martyring" instead of husband/wive relations), but at least in our family they really seem to be intertwined.
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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JennGM
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Van Zeller's book helped me stop the "If only..." thoughts, such as "If only my son was older, then I would have time to pray" or "If only I didn't have to do ___ I would be more ______ saintly, holy, peaceful, less angry, fill-in-the-blank".
His point is your vocation is now, in the moment, diapers, pain of pregnancy, etc. Embracing that, making that into your prayer life, your NOW, instead of the waiting. Van Zeller's book always helps me in that regard. I read it in the original title "Praying While You Work: Devotions for use for Martha rather than Mary". I love the old title...because that's our big struggle. Our vocations have the business of St. Martha, but we must try to be focused on God, be contemplatives in heart, like Mary. It's a BIG struggle.
That book and I Believe in Love really helps me keep on track. I'd also suggest reading some of St. Josemaria Escriva's writings. Most are sweet and to the point (The Way, The Forge, The Furrow), but are great thoughts on living in the world, embracing one's vocation, and the sanctification of your daily work. Vatican II echoes his writings, the "Universal Call to Holiness".
These titles aren't specifically catered to our female vocations of wife and mother, but I personally have found them very helpful. I need to give them another read, I think.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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Betsy
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amyable wrote:
Betsy wrote:
| If this isn’t the book for you, I would recommend anything pertaining to the devotion of the Sacred Heart. |
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It's interesting that you mention that, Betsy...because of a few dreams I've had (I know, sounds "out there"  ) I have had a long standing, yet extremely "undeveloped" devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus.
Do you think reading the book you mentioned or other things on the Sacred Heart would really help me get over the fact that I always seem to feel like Cinderella -- everyone else I know gets "X,Y, and Z" and I'm left sweeping ashes, looking dirty, wanting to be at the ball? (Where is the swooning princess icon when you really need it ) |
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Devotion to the Sacred Heart is very powerful! This combined with a devotion to the Immaculate Heart of Mary and you pretty much have your bases covered.  I think that my devotion to the Sacred Heart (and reading this book) has helped me to focus on my sins of pride and replace that with remembering my littleness and humility.
I have also found frequent confession to really help in these areas. The more you go to confession, the more aware we become of each little trangression which, inturn, helps us to over come them easier.
List of Promises give to St. Margaret Mary by Jesus for those who have a devotion to the Sacred Heart
1. I will give them all the graces necessary for their state of life.
2. I will give peace in their families.
3. I will console them in all their troubles.
4. I will be their refuge in life and especially in death.
5. I will abundantly bless all their undertakings.
6. Sinners shall find in my Heart the source and infinite ocean of mercy.
7. Tepid souls shall become fervent.
8. Fervent souls shall rise speedily to great perfection.
9. I will bless those places wherein the image of
My Sacred Heart shall be exposed and venerated.
10. I will give to priests the power to touch the most hardened hearts.
11. Persons who propagate this devotion shall
have their names eternally written in my Heart.
12. In the excess of the mercy of my Heart, I promise you that my all powerful love will grant to all those who will receive Communion on the First Fridays, for nine consecutive months, the grace of final repentance: they will not die in my displeasure, nor without receiving the sacraments; and my Heart will be their secure refuge in that last hour.
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MicheleQ
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amyable wrote:
| Heh, I think I've hijacked my own thread (turning it into a post on "martyring" instead of husband/wive relations), but at least in our family they really seem to be intertwined. |
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Well they are really.
From what you wrote it sounds like your husband is being unloving and uncaring. He isn't really - well he might be but he doesn't mean to be. I am sure he's a great guy. My dh is an awesome person but when it comes to me being pregnant and the difficulties of that and things SO much like you described, well, he's pretty much clueless.
You are very emotional right now and you would really like your husband to recognize all you do (including watching what HE wants to watch and staying up late etc.) and come to realize the burden of it and your sacrifice.
You would probably do even more of it and without complaint if he told you how wonderful you are and recognized your struggle. 
I know, truly I DO but I am here to tell you that it isn't going to happen. He can't read your mind and if he's like my dh he stopped trying long ago. Further, because you do all these things he thinks you can (because you are right? What's the problem? ).
Sometimes we can get so caught up in trying to be holy that we don't TALK to our spouses about things that are bothering us. I did that for a long time and although I (hopefully) grew in virtue I also found that some resentment had grown when I wasn't looking. Be careful of that - those weeds start very small but can become very big.
It's OK to tell your dh how you feel. You are in a marriage - you're supposed to talk. Now if you go to your husband and tell him you think he is being unloving or uncaring he will most likely not respond in a good way. He will feel disrespected because well he provides for you doesn't he? He puts a roof over your head etc.? Yes, of course but that's not what you mean, no but that's how he will see it. Just like you need to feel love he needs to feel respect.
As women we tend to filter thing through what we perceive as loving (i.e. if he truly loved me he would KNOW that I don't want to watch this show) but men tend to prefer directness and will most of the time not try to figure out what we are feeling.
Could it possibly be that he thinks you WANT to watch all the things he wants to watch? Do you say otherwise? I used to do that and dh really thought we liked all the same shows now I just say "oh I don't want to watch that" and go and do something else. And sometimes because he wants my company he'll say "well what would YOU like to watch?"...and sometimes because I want HIS company I WILL watch something he's watching even if it's something I don't like.
Ask yourself some questions. If dh was sick (in a similar state to pregnancy say) would he stay up late to keep you company even when he wanted to go to bed? No, most likely he would see it as logical that he go to bed. He wouldn't see it as being unloving to you - that probably wouldn't even occur to him.
I would approach it with something like "Hey sweetie I know you like it when I watch TV with you but this pregnancy is really wiping me out and I need to get more sleep. I love you and I'm going to bed - goodnight."
I hate to beat you over the head but do try and get that Love and Respect book (I got it from ILL before i bought it)- it makes this SO clear - and it's completely Biblically based which means it's Catholic too.
I bought it for my dh before he went away for 3 weeks of drill training. I asked him to read it and he said he would. When we talked on the phone I asked him what he thought and he said "well I don't know - some of it I really agree with and some of it I'm not sure." At that point I replied "OK well let me just say this, everything he writes about how the woman is feeling is TRUE." to which my dh replied "Really? . . .REALLY?" I replied "yes". To which he replied "Oh OK - never mind then."
You see? I read the book and as a woman I thought "YES!" to the parts pertaining to women and "oh my goodness - really?" to the parts pertaining to the men. He read it and thought "YES!" to the parts pertaining to men and "No, she doesn't feel that way" to the parts pertaining to women. . . until I told him it was true. Since then communication between us has been better than it has ever been.
One of the things I like about the book is that it doesn't put either men or women down. He talks about the equal dignity of both but that we have different perceptions of things and we filter everything through those perceptions.
One last thing.
amyable wrote:
not getting enough dinner because yet again I misjudged and didn't make enough of X, Y, or Z (so I fill everyone elses plates).
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Amy! You're pregnant, you need to be sure you are eating enough. I'm not trying to be harsh but if you are waiting for you dh or the children to "notice" you aren't getting enough you are being foolish and risking your health. Stop it!
Now, since I am only going on what you wrote please adjust as necessary and also please forgive any typos or general confusion. The baby was very fitful last night and sleep was scattered at best.
God bless,
__________________
Michele Quigley
wife to my prince charming and mom of 10 in Lancaster County, PA USA
http://michelequigley.com
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Rebecca
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amyable wrote:
| What I mind is doing all these things while my husband reads the paper and my kids play, and I'm in pain and exhausted from the pregnancy ... or feeling like I'm the only one who is sacrificing - letting dh watch what HE wants on TV always, staying up late because I really feel he needs my company even though it makes me a worse mother all day, doing what he/kids want every weekend, not getting enough dinner because yet again I misjudged and didn't make enough of X, Y, or Z (so I fill everyone elses plates). That's why I feel like "Cinderella" - not so much the tasks but the fact that I feel like I'm the only one sacrificing myself to the bone. (and I don't have one IRL person I know to model myself after - all relatives/friends are more in the "take it easy - what's in it for me" camp) ) |
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There is a fine line between holy sacrifice and neglecting ones self. The former is done in secret. The latter is done, usually quite loudly, grumpily and full of resentment. When the rest of the family sees you respecting yourself and your limits, (and here I do not mean thinking ourselves *more* important than anyone else, just equally important), they will treat you the same way. You need peace, Amy, good healthy food and plenty of sleep, rest and prayer.
Some members of my family are conflict avoiders to the extreme that they put themselves last and then get very frustrated when no one notices their sacrifices. They toil away, without asking for help and then get frustrated when others do not join in. Or, they wait until they are exasperated and ask for help in such a huffy way that no one wants to help. The sad thing is that because they constantly put themselves last, in sort of an irritated way, the rest of the family follows suit and treats them the same way.
If we are making sincere sacrifices for God, they do not go unnoticed by Him. We do not want other people to notice them because they are for God alone. If we give up ice in our drink, dessert or if we do someone else's job without complaining for them, that is a secret sacrifice that we can offer up to God for the Holy Souls or for our own salvation.
If you are consistently working your tail off on the weekends while they sit around and watch you, something is askew. You need your day of rest (Sunday) just as much as the rest of your family. Plan ahead so you do not have to do any chores on Sunday if possible. This takes a little prep on Saturday but is well worth it. Finish your laundry on Saturday or at least hold off finishing it until Monday. Prepare something in the crockpot for Sunday dinner. After Mass on Sunday, I try to sit down and knit, read to the kids or sit out in the yard and listen to the birds sing. Sometimes we go to the beach or play at the park but only if it is relaxing for *all* of us (and is not done very often). Don't be tempted to work, just rest.
You need your full serving at mealtimes (remember that baby growing within). In the circumstance you mentioned (not making enough), dish out the plates yourself, making sure to give each person a fair helping, including yourself. I see nothing wrong with giving up part of a helping once in a while but to do this consistently, while pregnant, is unwise. Same with staying up late. Once in a while is fine but often is unhealthy.
I hope I do not sound abrupt. I am not the best at communicating online. Know that all I have said, I say with much love and concern for you.
I will be praying for you and your family, Amy.
Love,
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MicheleQ
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| Posted: July 16 2007 at 11:09am | IP Logged
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Rebecca that was very well said. 
Amy, she's right.
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Michele Quigley
wife to my prince charming and mom of 10 in Lancaster County, PA USA
http://michelequigley.com
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amyable
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| Posted: July 16 2007 at 12:52pm | IP Logged
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Hmmmm... after reading the last few posts, something inside of me just wants to say, "Yes, Mom." (ETA: I'm editing now just to make it clear to people reading the thread in order - I meant the "yes Mom" in a really nice way - I was thinking that everyone has been very loving/caring like a Mom)
Seriously though - At the risk of turning this thread into "Amy's Online Marriage Therapy Session", I'm going to continue. Partially because I know other (more silent) members of this board struggle with these issues and reading threads like this is helpful for them (as it is for me!).
I think I must be missing something. Aren't we ALL called to be saints - called to give 'til it hurts - called to lay down our lives for our "friends"? I didn't think there was some fine line to worry about, I thought we were all supposed to just totally forget ourselves and do for others. Now, of course, being very sinful, I tend to NOT forget myself and so am resentful on top of being tired and hormonal .
I'm resentful that I feel like I'm the only one "doing what is right" while everyone else isn't. It makes me feel unloved. I don't expect thanks, I just want everyone else to be suffering as much as me! LOL!! You know, just so the world isn't on my shoulders alone. 
I'm sure part of the problem is that God has been very silent also during these past many years, and I have no consolation that my sacrifices are good, worth it, whatever. I feel extremely alone, without even God. My only consolation is that saints have felt the same way at times.
Maybe you are all right, and they are not the sacrifices called for, and God is "silent" with me because I'm not in His Will. I just didn't think that there was supposed to be some "choice" - "I don't feel like sacrificing right now because I'm tired and my feet hurt." I thought one should do it anyway.
Turning it back to the marriage part, much of what I do is in submission to dh's wants and needs (and yes, he is a very wonderful man, Michele!) He really needs my company at night, so I stay up. If I go to bed early more than the occasional time or two, it really shows in his happiness. Same reason I submit to what he wants to watch on TV if it's on - he wants my company and if I start crocheting or surfing the 'net he thinks he no longer has it. I don't really LIKE TV all that much (especially what he usually wants to watch ) so I give in because it matters to him *more* than me...but it still matters to me, enough that it bothers me after too long. I don't know, maybe these are bad examples...I'm just trying to show that he has a particular way of doing/needing things which is very different than mine (opposites attract!) and I am trying to submit to his desires on each thing. Even though it kills me. Dh *does* know for the most part how I feel ... about staying up, about watching his shows, about the pain/exhaustion of pg, about many things...but he still has his needs, and things change sloooowly around here (LOL, he is a very over analytical engineer )
Am I being ridiculous? I thought I was being saintly.
(and before you all worry about my health too much, I *do* get enough to eat, it just isn't always the dinner I made everyone else. There is always something in the house...)
At the risk of rambling on too long (too late ) I want to thank everyone again for your concern, your kind words, your wisdom, and your book suggestions. I have some already and a few more on their way from Paperbackswap as I type.
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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Rebecca
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| Posted: July 16 2007 at 1:07pm | IP Logged
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Amy,
I am sorry if I have offended you. I did not mean to sound like a mother. I misunderstood your situation and should have kept silent. Please forgive me.
Love,
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amyable
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| Posted: July 16 2007 at 1:19pm | IP Logged
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Oh no, Rebecca! I'm sorry I sounded like that - I thought you were both being very LOVING like a mother - teaching, reminding what is best, and I was just responding to that. It's something we joke around about here at home and I neglected to think that it might be taken the wrong way.
I am truly sorry if I have offended YOU with my words. 
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Amy
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The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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Rebecca
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| Posted: July 16 2007 at 1:23pm | IP Logged
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Amy, you did not offend me at all. I am just learning the fine art of knowing what to say and how to say it. Thank you for being so understanding.
Love,
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MicheleQ
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| Posted: July 16 2007 at 1:40pm | IP Logged
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LOL I was just going to say "Oh I don't think Amy was offended" but then I thought "Oh maybe I am wrong".
Guess not. OK good.
Also, I feel like I know you a little bit since we have met and talked so hopefully I am coming across well. You know I care right?
Now Amy, there's a reason it's called "martyr complex" - because it's not healthy. But you already know that.
Yes we are all called to be Saints and so are your husband and children. Are you helping them to do that? Are you mirroring joyful sacrifice for them or are you becoming resentful and teaching them that being selfless has no reward so why should they try it?
I understand your husband wanting your company but I would venture to guess that he isn't so selfish that he wants you to sacrifice sleep and being able to be a good mother to HIS children the next day just so he can be with you for longer in the day.
Have you talked to him about it? Can you? Maybe God wants to use this time to teach him something --be careful you aren't messing with God's work here.
amyable wrote:
| I'm resentful that I feel like I'm the only one "doing what is right" while everyone else isn't. It makes me feel unloved. |
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Yep there it is. You don't feel loved. That's valid. It's a genuine need. If you told your family this what would they do? Roll their eyes? Would they say that they DO love you of course but gosh you're so grumpy it's hard to show that. Umm...I know what I'm talking about here.
amyable wrote:
| I don't expect thanks, I just want everyone else to be suffering as much as me! LOL!! You know, just so the world isn't on my shoulders alone. |
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Yes you do and no you don't.
You do what thanks - that's part of feeling appreciated and loved - it's normal. You want them to suffer as much as you are? C'mon do you really? I doubt it. It's not in our nature to want our loved ones to suffer. What you want is for them to feel how much YOU suffer - again that's normal and I completely understand.
But there's only One who can feel that and He does - He knows. Even when it doesn't "feel" like it. Jenn recommended "I Believe in love" and I will heartily second that recommendation. It has been very helpful to me in that area.
I also think spiritual direction would be a very good idea. I know that's easier said than done sometimes but I'll keep it in prayer for you and if God wants if He will work it out.
Hang in there. You're in my prayers.
__________________
Michele Quigley
wife to my prince charming and mom of 10 in Lancaster County, PA USA
http://michelequigley.com
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amyable
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| Posted: July 16 2007 at 2:59pm | IP Logged
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yes, definitely
MicheleQ wrote:
| Yes we are all called to be Saints and so are your husband and children. Are you helping them to do that? |
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Wow - no I'm not. I tend to forget that is also part of my role as wife/mother. Very good point.
MicheleQ wrote:
I understand your husband wanting your company but I would venture to guess that he isn't so selfish that he wants you to sacrifice sleep and being able to be a good mother to HIS children the next day just so he can be with you for longer in the day. |
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I don't know. We've talked about it, and he *says* it's OK for me to go to bed early. But after a night or two of it, it really shows in HIS demeanor that I'm "neglecting" him, and he will admit it. He is stressed with work and lonely also, and really needs me! I have wondered at times if I'm not "messing with God's work" like you said. I hate to see him suffer though (see below).
MicheleQ wrote:
amyable wrote:
| I'm resentful that I feel like I'm the only one "doing what is right" while everyone else isn't. It makes me feel unloved. |
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Yep there it is. You don't feel loved. That's valid. It's a genuine need. If you told your family this what would they do? |
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I have talked to them about it (esp. dh). Then there is maybe a bit of talk about how things will be different, but nothing ever changes. I think part of the problem is that our kids are all young, with the oldest two (9 and 7) each having certain behavioral and personality characteristics that making "helping out" and "having responsibilities" seem like the most difficult and horrific thing in the world to them. So we are left with a 4 and 2 year old who are helpful and enjoyable to be around, yet the work of soon to be 7 people. And a mom who is not good at much other than messing things up on a regular basis.
MicheleQ wrote:
amyable wrote:
| I don't expect thanks, I just want everyone else to be suffering as much as me! LOL!! You know, just so the world isn't on my shoulders alone. |
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Yes you do and no you don't.
You do want thanks - that's part of feeling appreciated and loved - it's normal. You want them to suffer as much as you are? C'mon do you really? I doubt it. It's not in our nature to want our loved ones to suffer. What you want is for them to feel how much YOU suffer - again that's normal and I completely understand.
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LOL, I guess I didn't express that very well. I don't want my spouse or children to *really* suffer - I don't want them to feel excessive pain in any way (emotional, physical, etc). I even told dh the other night that I hope Jesus comes again soon because I want everyone to be happy and not have any suffering. BUT, given what I said about my oldest two children (and some tendencies of my spouse) if doing the work that needs to get done means you will be really tired or sore or in a bad mood - yes, I want them to suffer that much *for the good of the whole family*, age appropriately, if in fact I also am doing as much.
Is that bad?
MicheleQ wrote:
But there's only One who can feel that and He does - He knows. Even when it doesn't "feel" like it. Jenn recommended "I Believe in love" and I will heartily second that recommendation. It has been very helpful to me in that area.
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Thank you for reiterating that, Michele. And I actually have that book unread on my shelf. I think it will be my new companion. 
MicheleQ wrote:
Hang in there. You're in my prayers. |
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Thank you Michele, you are in mine also!
Just to save a little face here, I hope no one now pictures me as going around grumbling *all the time*. I do my share of that, but much of my anguish is private anguish, or shared tearfully after a long day with my husband. Not grumpily spread around for the misery of all, lol.
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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MrsKey
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A book that is not specifically Catholic, but not so Protestant that it is problematic that has helped my husband and I not only define our roles (in a way that works for us) by helping us communicate better is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
This isn't about biblical/scriptural mandates for spouses and it doesn't address submission at all. But it does address how each of us expresses and receives love. I found that a really big problem for dh and I is that we both express and receive love in drastically different ways.
My husband is an "acts of service" type of person. By doing something for me he is telling me he loves me. The problem is that I am a quality time kind of person. I need one-on-one interaction. So when his acts of service cut into our one-on-one time he thought he was showing me love while I thought he was being unloving.
Now that we have a handle on how and why we express and receive expressions of love differently we don't have as much misunderstanding.
It might be a worthwhile book to read as a couple for most married couples.
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J.M.J.
Carole
Wife to Tom since '94 and mom to Bree since '96
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msclavel
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| Posted: July 16 2007 at 3:34pm | IP Logged
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Oh my, Amy thank you for having the courage to be so open and honest with this thread.
And you're right, there are others struggling in similar ways at times. Ummm, me
Michele and Betsy, your posts are full of so much wisdom and grace, you've given me a lot to think and pray on.
And Amy, you are always in my prayers.
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juststartn
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I will second what Carole said about the Five Love Languages book. EXCELLENT RESOURCE! (Now if I could only get DH to read it. It would work better if he did, lol).
I'm definitely an "Acts of Service" and "Words of Affirmation" type of person (in that order, for those who have read the books)...And I've had those "moments" (most notably while pregnant) where I've just sat down and "had it"...I don't have quite the challenges you do Amy--my oldest two are 7 and 5, but don't have any personality challenges to deal with, so that makes it easier in some respects. But it is still difficult, even with their help...
I don't have any advice, other than perhaps simply lowering your expectations...don't expect to spend EVERY night sitting up with DH. Maybe make a plan for staying up with him every other night? No, its not every night, but allowances HAVE to be made. Esp with several young ones about...you HAVE to rest...and he HAS to understand that..whether he WANTS to, well, there are always things we don't WANT to do...but then there is reality.
That would take care of DH. Is there any way you might be able to have a young teenage girl come in as a Mother's Helper, to keep the littles occupied during the day while you take a nap, or perhaps to help you get some of the housework done? True, some things need to be let "slide"...but I'm one of those folks in a small packed house, and any amount of clutter or untidiness shows IMMEDIATELY...and drives my stress level thru the roof...so I'd suggest simplifying your list of "must do"s vis-a-vis the housework...see what you can eliminate outside of the house, the demands on your time have got to be minimized...
Sorry you are dealing with this...I felt this way myself back in Feb/March...I finally had a crying fit with DH (I am NOT a cryer, so he knew something bad had happened...lol).
Anyway, I'll be praying for some help for you--either from the heavens or from a more "earthly" source...
Rachel
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Married DH 4/1/95
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Red Cardigan
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This is a very interesting and thought-provoking thread.
There is a great deal of difference, in my opinion, between the virtue of Christian resignation and the vice--if that word isn't too strong--of letting oneself be a doormat. The first gives glory to God, while the second actually insults Him by acting as though we're not at all worth consideration: we, whom He died to save! The problem is that the two are unfortunately easy to confuse, and some types of sweetly pious biographies of the saints are, in my opinion, rather inclined to do this.
Holiness doesn't come from allowing people to walk all over us; but many saints put up with bad treatment from those in authority over them as an act of obedience and for the greater glory of God, which is not all the same thing. In the case of someone whose vocation is marriage, though, I'd agree with Michele above: part of our vocation is helping our spouses and children get to heaven, which means allowing them opportunities to serve us as well as finding opportunities to serve them.
Both my DH and I are late night people, but when our girls were babies his work schedule allowed him to stay home a bit longer in the morning. When I was expecting number three, he often got up with the older two, changed diapers, got them to the breakfast table, and fed them so I could take the ginger capsule that kept me from being really ill, and then he'd let me doze for about twenty more minutes to let the ginger start working. I literally couldn't have done it without him; and his help in the morning meant that I could sit up with him for a while in the evenings. No one can do it all.
Can your nine and seven year old do some tasks/chores? Even if they have difficulties it's important to try to keep at it, IMO; being part of a family means contributing to the family's well being to the best of your ability. If all they can do is a small simple chore, it's still important for them to do it (maybe they can be put in charge of sock-matching when you're doing laundry? etc.).
To be honest, of all the things you wrote, the one that has me praying for you is this sentence: "And a mom who is not good at much other than messing things up on a regular basis." If this is how you see yourself, then everyone else is going to see you this way too, which makes it hard for them to respect you as they ought to do; what they should see is a loving wife and mother who is so very devoted to them all, something that shines through in what you've written. You don't have to be a talented cook, expert housekeeper, or model of the domestic arts to be worthy of your family's deepest love and respect; you are worthy of that because it belongs to you by right, by virtue of your vocation, and by virtue of your love and service to them.
God bless you, and may St. Anne intercede for you!
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Lisbet
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Red Cardigan wrote:
I'd agree with Michele above: part of our vocation is helping our spouses and children get to heaven, which means allowing them opportunities to serve us as well as finding opportunities to serve them.! |
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Okay, just to throw another 'coal on the fire' so to speak, isn't the best way to do this by our own example? Are we responsible for them 'getting it'?
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doris
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Just a note in haste to second the recommendations of the Chapman book. I'm just reading it now and found it extremely helpful. I'm also an 'Acts of Service' person so I, like you, feel angry and resentful when the rest of the family doesn't communicate their love for me like that (ie leave their socks lying around, fail to unload the dishwasher, etc etc.)
It's not specifically about the wife's role, nor Catholic (although it's clear that the author is a Christian) but the good thing about it is that it addresses things from a positive point of view -- ie find out about each family member's 'love language' and then try to speak it to each other. I don't think you'd put it like that to the children, but even understanding it is a start.
(Oh, and by the way, I can relate to children who don't want to help. Mine are still small, and one is extremely helpful, but with the other two, it's like pulling teeth...)
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Are there Catholic books on wife's role?
