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msclavel
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| Posted: April 09 2007 at 8:45am | IP Logged
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Oh Jane, my miscarriage was almost exactly the same. Within a matter of days, the joy of a new life and then the sadness of losing it. I know for me, it went so quickly I felt like I was trapped in a tornado for a few days. Many prayers for you.
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: April 09 2007 at 9:39am | IP Logged
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Jane -
I'm so sorry for your loss. Praying for you.
Peace,
Nancy
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momtomany
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| Posted: April 09 2007 at 10:36am | IP Logged
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Jane, I'm so sorry. Prayers going out for you today.
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Mary Ann in PA
wife to MIchael, mom to Elizabeth, Becca, Tim, Peter, Andrew, Sarah, Matthew, John, Leah and Joseph
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Jane Ramsey
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| Posted: April 09 2007 at 12:59pm | IP Logged
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Thank you all so much for your words and your prayers. I feel better today but I know my emotions will keep going up and down and I'll have to deal with the hormones for a while.
I have a question for anyone who has been through this before:
Did you tell anyone? My dh seems to think we should bear this ourselves and not burden anyone else with it. I feel like that is minimizing the life that was lost. I know men and women deal with things differently but it hurts that we are not on the same page with this.
I feel as if it doesn't hurt him as much because he's not experiencing the loss with his body, just his thoughts, if that makes sense. (And he is one of those people who does not let himself get too excited about anticipating anything so he won't be too disappointed if it doesn't work out.) He was not really letting himself believe we were pregnant, so I guess it's easier for him to let it go. But I don't want to judge him either. He is a loving person and maybe he is hurting a lot inside and I just don't see it.
Anyway, at times I feel like I need the support of family and friends and at other times I think he's right--just deal with it ourselves and move on. Any thoughts on this?
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ALmom
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| Posted: April 09 2007 at 2:47pm | IP Logged
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Jane:
First many hugs and prayers. I am so very, very sorry.
We too experienced similiar - Thanksgiving Day miscarriage and also Easter season (near my birthday). This made it somehow a bit more poignant as the world is going on around you in celebration and rejoicing while your heart is devasted and you are trying to carry on but feel so fake in doing so at times. I was in a daze and unable to function - even meal planning was difficult so if you don't tell anyone, be sure that dh knows you may need his help with meals, etc. as there are bound to be days that you simply are standing in the kitchen crying and cannot remember or seem to figure out what to cook or even how to cook. I remember trying to sing the joyous songs of thanksgiving and crying through them during Mass. Emotions are simply so intense that some of this is unavoidable, (and some of it may be hormonal swings beyond your complete control) no matter how hard you try and you do have to grieve in your own way - and I was very emotional!!! This emotion was very, very frightening to my dh.
It is very, very normal for husbands and wives to grieve differently and it is harder for the dh to bond with the unborn baby in the early pregnancy so it is normal to feel that somehow you are alone in appreciating the life of this child. The emotions are intense regardless for you - dh will be strong for you and you may find that he will share things with you years later, when your emotions are not quite so intense or raw. MY dh wanted to deal with it in silence. I wanted to talk, talk, talk, -- and cry. I know my dh was comforted to know that the intense emotions were normal as he felt so helpless before my emotion and just wasn't quite sure how to help me and may have wondered at times, if I'd ever recover. It is natural that we each assume that the other needs the same things that we need in grieving, but we often need differing (and conflicting things), so it is an exercise in love and charity to work through the grief in a way that is good for both spouses.
We talk of the miscarried babies now, but, no, he never bonded with our children that were early miscarriages, the way I did - but he remembers and we can now talk about them and he did grieve in his own way, but it was not emotional like mine and much more private. He needed privacy, I needed to talk and that didn't always fit together so we both had to communicate and work through it. Be sure to communicate your needs to him. He was happy for me to make whatever private memorials that helped me (once he realized that this was an important part of grieving for me, how intense the attachment was even that early on and how I could not let go until I had somehow honored the baby that grew within me and had so quickly gone to God). Without these things, letting go of the grief was too much like forgetting the baby and I never want to do that.
My dc generally knew of necessity, but even if they hadn't, the memorials would have been there for me and were essential for me to acknowledge the baby in some way before I could begin to work through the grief. Just because you don't tell dc now, doesn't mean you won't tell them much later. My dh learned of a sibling once he was an adult, so just because nothing is said now, it is not a denial of existence but a prudential judgement of the proper time and place and age.
I think my dh had to be told how essentialcertain aspects of grieving were for me otherwise he just wasn't aware of this need or the need to talk and talk and talk about the baby.
As far as telling others, I would honor my dh in this and not make any public announcements, but talk to him about any needs you do feel - ie if you have a strong desire to tell someone and why it is important to you then be sure to talk to him about it and work through this time together. It may be that you need a friend to help you through and if this is quiet, dh may be fine with it or may simply recognize a different need if you do communicate with him.
My dh was surprised and sometimes overwhelmed by the intensity of my emotions and yes, sometimes I felt he didn't care because he didn't show any emotion at all. The reality is we both grieved in very different ways. He loved me and wanted to help - and he was grieving too, though I didn't see it at the time. He didn't know or realize at first how intense a need to talk I had (it is after all one of the ways women most easily work through something) nor that some emotions, though intense, are really healthy grieving and allowed me to come to the point where the grief was replaced by some other connection to this baby. Sometimes the intense grieving looks a whole lot like self-pity - and sometimes I succumbed to self pity, but I had to be able to grieve in my own way.
I will say that I did find it easier not to tell the general public, as I was more hurt by the platitudes and reactions of other people that I needed to simply get over it or the seeming expectation that since I had not had a D and C, there wasn't anything to get over. It really was easier to deal with without all of this.
I will say that I journaled, I made a memorial, planted a special flower in the garden (bleeding hearts), made a special square on my crossstitch baby blanket for all my unborn children. If people asked or were sensitive to my grief (ie close enough to me to notice something even without me telling them)then I would tell them at that point if they ask (and if dh is OK with it) and ask for their prayers. I also did ask the priest for a blessing for mothers who have experienced loss in childbearing, but this was done very privately and was for me the closest to baptism that we could get. Dh may be fine with something like this and may simply be wanting to avoid the general announcement/publicity to the world type of thing or trying to preserve a quiet haven for you and spare you from the insensitive remarks that often accompany the announcement of a miscarriage. He may simply be frightened by your grief and not want to intensify it more by the endless discussion of it. (It took a while for my dh to grasp that while this was true for him in his grieving, it was not for me and I really did need to discuss things to work through them. Yes, women are different from men.
Be sure to keep communicating with him about your need to aknowledge the baby in some way, but respect his desire to avoid publicity and you will probably come up with something that will be meaningful honoring of the life. I also, always ask for the intercession of my unborn babies and pray that Our Lady does those things for them that I was never able to do - hug them, rock them, etc. I became very close to Our Lady during my first miscarriage.
I'm so, so sorry, and will continue to pray for you and your dh.
Janet
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Jane Ramsey
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| Posted: April 09 2007 at 3:36pm | IP Logged
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Thank you so much, Janet. Your words have helped me tremendously.
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Veronica's Veil
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| Posted: April 09 2007 at 4:13pm | IP Logged
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I have no words of wisdom, but wanted to say I will pray for you. Hugs, and I am sorry. 
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Nina Murphy
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| Posted: April 09 2007 at 4:20pm | IP Logged
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Praying with all of my heart for you, Jane! 
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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kingvozzo
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| Posted: April 09 2007 at 5:23pm | IP Logged
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Jane, I am so very sorry about this. I had several early miscarriages, and really wondered why God even allowed us to find out. I finally realized that even though our baby had been taken from us, it is still our baby, who was loved. We were able to pray for our baby, and that was a comfort.
As far as sharing with other people, I shared our news with my parents and my sister, who grieved with us. DH didn't tell his family, and neither did I.
I have mixed feelings about sharing early pregnancies because of this--I don't want to minimize the importance of the lives of our babies, but I also don't ever want to have to tell casual acquaintances about a miscarriage. I've had that experience, unfortunately, too, because of my unbridled enthusiasm in sharing our news. I don't think of it as burdening others as much as subjecting myself to continued upsetment. So, we only share this news with the people I'm comfortable telling.
My prayers are with you, Jane. May our Blessed Mother give you comfort.
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Noreen
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doris
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| Posted: April 09 2007 at 5:47pm | IP Logged
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What very sad news. Praying here.
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Home educating in London, UK with dd (2000) ds (2002), dd (2004), ds (2008) and dd (2011).
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Karen E.
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| Posted: April 09 2007 at 8:05pm | IP Logged
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Oh, Jane,
I'm so very sorry. I'm remembering you in prayer tonight.
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God bless,
Karen E.
mom to three on earth, and several souls in God's care
Visit my blog, with its shockingly clever title, "Karen Edmisten."
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Cindy Mac
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| Posted: April 09 2007 at 8:24pm | IP Logged
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Jane -
Know that you are in my prayers. Sending my love your way to help lift you up in your time of pain.
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Cindy - wife to Chris, mommy to my 4 sons!
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Matilda
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| Posted: April 09 2007 at 8:52pm | IP Logged
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Dear Jane,
I understand your pain. We did make the choice to tell. I called my mom on the way back from the doctor's office to say "I have lost a baby and oh, we were expecting." We were planning to wait and tell everyone at Easter, but the miscarriage happened a few weeks before. My husband and I were united in our decision to tell our families and I am so glad that we did. I ended up having a D&C even though I desperately wanted to avoid one. It became an emergency situation. I really felt as though the prayers of our family helped us through that terrifying ordeal.
We will pray for you!
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Charlotte (Matilda)
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with bookend boys and a double girl sandwich
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Chari
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| Posted: April 09 2007 at 10:18pm | IP Logged
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Jane,
I have been praying for you ever since you posted.
I am so sorry.
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Chari...Take Up & Read
Dh Marty 27yrs...3 lovely maidens: Anne 24, Sarah 20 & Maddelyn 17 and 3 chivalrous sons: Matthew 22, Garrett 16 & Malachy 11
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kristina
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| Posted: April 09 2007 at 11:00pm | IP Logged
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Dear Jane,
I am so sorry.
You and your family are in my prayers.
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kristina
yesterthoughts
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aussieannie
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| Posted: April 09 2007 at 11:14pm | IP Logged
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Jane,
So sorry to hear of the loss of your baby. You had entered into deep suffering as Our Lord did on Holy Thursday night.
God Bless, Anne
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Tina P.
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| Posted: April 09 2007 at 11:27pm | IP Logged
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Jane:
We told everyone we were expecting week 6. It was an accidental telling. I ... ahem ... hit send on the computer. I usually wait until after the 12th week to spread the news.
I realized the loss after mass of what would mark the first day of the seventh week. We were all in the social hall and I was just so upset that I blurted out to my husband that we need to go to the hospital. How MANY helpful souls there were that day.
I can not advise you as to whether you should tell people you had and lost a baby. You told us and we are here to pray for you and give you (unfortunately only) cyber hugs. If I were you, I'd definitely tell my priest {I want to say Confessor, but I don't think that's the right word?}. I told mine all about the feelings and thoughts and the guilt I had after my most recent miscarriage. What a difference it made for me to share the burden with an empathetic ear.
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Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
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bfarmmom
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| Posted: April 10 2007 at 8:22am | IP Logged
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Oh Jane,
I will be praying for you and thinking of you.
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Peace,
Kirsten
ds13,dd12,dd10,ds7,dd6, dd 4, ds 2
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MarieC
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| Posted: April 10 2007 at 10:02am | IP Logged
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Praying for you, Jane!
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Marie
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Elena
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| Posted: April 10 2007 at 12:50pm | IP Logged
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I'm so sorry Jane. I will pray for you.
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Elena
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4Real Forums : We Pray to the Lord
Topic: Early Miscarriage
