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juststartn
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 10:56am | IP Logged
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First of all, let me say that I love my DH dearly. And he is normally a very intelligent and perceptive man.
But he has apparently turned into an ostrich.
I am 28wks pregnant with twins. I am entering my third week on strict but modified bedrest. He has a bad back, and we have three other, fairly young, dc (7, 4.5, and 2.5--the younger two will be 5 and 3 in May and April, respectively). They (the dc) help out ALOT, even for older kids, but still...
DH doesn't think we need any help around here. He cannot be home, obviously, all day. And when he is home, he is in worse shape than I am, alot of times. Thing is, I don't HURT, I just have a cervix that was (3 wks ago) 75% effaced, and dilation? Well, they didn't check it for fear I was going into labor!.....didn't want to risk an infection.
So of course, since I don't hurt, I feel compelled to get up and take care of things, cause it takes me less time than it takes him.
Part of me wants to do NOTHING and have him come home to it, but it would drive me crazy, being stuck in a filthy house....he doesn't even see the point of having the parish bring meals over (although we do have a freezer full of food already, it is mostly stuff that has to be prepared....not just reheated, iykwim).
We talked and he thinks I am being pessimistic about the babies coming early, or being small, or possibly needing time in the hospital. He has this image of them coming home right away, perfectly healthy, as if we just went into the hospital for one, and came out with two 8lb infants....doesn't even admit that there is a possibility of problems...he thinks I am overly concerned with being prepared early, or making some sort of tentative arrangements should the bedrest (which isn't in bed, or very restful, frankly) not be working and I end up on total bedrest OR in the hospital (frankly, I think I would push for that over the home bedrest, cause I KNOW it'll never happen if I am at home. NEVER. He won't see it as serious). He just doesn't seem to "get" that a twin pregnancy is not the same as a singleton. Sure, some babies go to 38 wks no problems. Some women go thru their twin pregnancies without any problems whatsoever.
He doesn't even want to think about the fact that I may need to have a csection, and that my recovery after that would be harder and longer than a vaginal(all I've had are vaginals so far, so we have no experience with the surgical options). He will be LUCKY to get a week off when the babies come, at all....and after that, he thinks we will be just fine and dandy at home, me, with the five dc (two of whom will hopefully be nursing newborns) with NO HELP AT ALL!....
He's insane. He's blind, deaf. and dumb to anything I am saying about this. He doesn't want to read anything, he doesn't want to hear anything. I don't know what I am going to do with the man. I CANNOT DO THIS BY MYSELF! Capable, I am. Generally speaking, I have a pretty level head on my shoulders by most accounts. I am the one who the dr's are talking to about this. I am the one that heard the dr's say "strict but modified bedrest". And yet he doesn't even seem to care to find out what any of that MEANS.
ARGGHHHHHH!
And did I mention that today is my bday?
Rachel (who wants to pitch a fit, but knows better unless DH is around to get the full benefit of it)
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Married DH 4/1/95
Lily 3/11/00
Helena(Layna) 5/23/02
Sophia 4/19/04
John 5/7/07
David 5/7/07
Ava Maria, in the arms of Jesus, 9/5/08
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MacBeth
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 11:02am | IP Logged
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Well...no advice (sorry  ), but Happy B-day! Hey, and your twins are due on my b-day!!!
You have to hold on and get help! Maybe if we all post our "you need to get help" message, you can print it out and hand it over to your dh!!
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God Bless!
MacBeth in NY
Don's wife since '88; "Mom" to the Fab 4
Nature Study
MacBeth's Blog 
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Maria B.
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 11:06am | IP Logged
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First thought that comes to me ... how about taking him to your next MD appt. and having the doctor talk to him and tell him the seriousness of this situation?
I have always had similar situations with my dh. He thinks I am "Wonder Woman" and I am not (for sure!).
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Maria in VA
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Maria B.
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 11:07am | IP Logged
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Oh forgot ... Happy Birthay Rachel! Sending you a warm hug!
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Maria in VA
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JennGM
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 11:08am | IP Logged
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Happy birthday, Rachel!
So much is going on. I know with my dh he has to take one thing at a time, and his way of worrying is actually denying things until they are upon us, or behind us. 
So break apart the problems, one at a time. Does he not want you to get help because he doesn't want strangers in the house? Because you can't afford to pay anyone? Can you explain you could use help in certain areas, like meals, shopping, cleaning, a few days a week, putting children down for naps, walks in the park, etc. Can you translate the need to number of hours in a day, certain times of the day, certain days of the week?
How about money, can you breakdown the cost of help?
As far as the c-section or babies coming early, what helps my dh is presenting facts, like links to medical journals, or having some male friend or doctor explain factually (not emotionally, like I tend to do) what are the risks, probababilities, what will be expected for a medical birth, postpartum, etc.
You said he wasn't keen on having another child, and now two are coming, so it does sound like he's still struggling with this change, and it's much bigger than just one simple birth like the past.
I guess what I'm saying is sometimes the male creature needs non-emotional presentation of facts. "Just the facts, ma'am." This not intended to be male bashing, just something I can see. I just went through a similar conversation about my sister's upcoming surgery with my dh. I started explaining how worried, that this could happen, or this...and he was trying to calm me down and explain that I was getting too emotional and worked up, and to cross that bridge when you come to it.
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juststartn
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 11:26am | IP Logged
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Oh, I know, I know. No, he can't come to my next apptmt--someone has to stay with the dds, and I'm having an internal. I was going to try and get him to come to the u/s one after that (the following week)....
I've tried to explain (not crying, or anything like that--I am not by nature overly emotional),that a good 50% of twins are born BY week 36. And they aren't as big as fullterm singletons (like our other three) are....links? Reading? He won't do it.
I'm not even using the word "worried"...or "anxious". More like "We need to have tentative plan ready in case X happens." For a man who does nothing but logistics of this sort all day (he's the battle captain and Operations NCOIC (non-com in charge) for his unit)...well, it seems that he would WANT to do this--
I mean, when I discussed how we would probably want to have some help, since he wasn't going to get more than two weeks off when they arrived, he said "TWO?? I'll get one, if I'm lucky. Besides, you won't need help..."
Uh-huh. Mentioning I may need a csection (I said that I hoped that at least baby A will turn head down so we can try for a vaginal) got a "yeah, right, whatever" response. Explaining that a csection has a longer recovery time because they are MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY got a similar response.
He's seemingly adjusted to having the twins. He's actually quite pleased with himself. Oh, I'm sure he's still of the "well, this will be the last pregnancy" mindset, altho he hasn't said anything about it. He wasn't upset about getting pregnant this time, but had said that this would be it....
And the kicker is, we've found out that the deployment he will be leaving on is going to be a MINIMUM of 15-18 mos--not the yr we had been told and had mentally planned for.
UGH
I'll get help after he leaves, no problem.
And we have the money to hire a teenager to come in, at least during a few afternoons a week. He doesn't even see the need for that--after all, I'm here, why do I need a sitter? But let's face it, sticking your head in the sand doesn't make the problems go away, it just gives you less time and ability to deal with them when and if they reach you!
ARRRGGGHHH (and thanks for the bday wishes).
Rachel
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Married DH 4/1/95
Lily 3/11/00
Helena(Layna) 5/23/02
Sophia 4/19/04
John 5/7/07
David 5/7/07
Ava Maria, in the arms of Jesus, 9/5/08
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marihalojen
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 11:47am | IP Logged
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Happy Birthday, Rachel!!! What a fabulous day for a birthday!
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mathmama
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 12:00pm | IP Logged
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If he can't go to an appt, perhaps you can have your dr talk to him on the phone?
Happy Birthday!
Beth
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Cheryl
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 12:15pm | IP Logged
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Happy Birthday, Rachel. Can you at least have someone come over to help you when your dh isn't home?
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Cheryl
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Ruth
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 12:24pm | IP Logged
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Happy birthday, Rachel.
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Lorri
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 12:35pm | IP Logged
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(((Rachel))) Your dh needs a good slap upside the head. I say this with love, of course!
Are you seeing a military doctor? If so, I would venture to guess that your dh would listen to a CAPT/MAJ/LTC telling him the realities of your pregnancy. Find a sitter and take him to your next appointment. He can wait outside the door while you get the internal exam, if he or you wants. If possible, call the clinic and ask for a phone consult with your doc. Explain the situation that at your next appt you need the doc to be clear and realistic in explaining to your dh about what's ahead for you.
In all fairness to your dh, I'm sure that he's under a lot of stress at work. Pre-deployment is hard on everyone. The idea of the deployment and its dangers is probably weighing on him heavily. He probably even feels very guilty about leaving you alone with the children. He probably feels a lot of regret at missing the twin's first year. That's a lot of emotion for a man to deal with and still keep his head clear at work. Perhaps the best way that he can cope with this all is to be in denial.
Try to be as clear as you can with him - "honey, I'm scared. I'm scared I'll need a c-section, I'm scared that if I do any kind of work around here that I'll go into labor too early, I'm scared the babies will end up in the NICU. I NEED someone to come in and help, maybe a couple of times a week. I NEED your help to make contigency plans in case I have a c-section. Please remember that even with a vag birth, I will be sore and tired and probably overwhelmed by having two babies at once. I NEED you to come to my next important. These things are important to me and right now I'm stressing out over this."
If you were closer, I'd come by and help out.
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Lorri
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Rachel May
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 12:38pm | IP Logged
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Happy birthday, Rachel!
I'm so sorry you are having so much anxiety about this pregnancy and how to take care of everything and your husband's response to it all. I think I am similar to your husband. With each of our pregnancies there has been some issue which was a bury my head in the sand issue until I had to face it. Sometimes the "what ifs" and the plannng overwhelm me to a point of incapacitation; however, when I am finally faced with the situation, I whip into action. I'm sure your soldier will do the same. 
I think one of the hardest things is the need to share an emotional load with our spouse when they just aren't feeling it. I had it during my twin pregnancy; Bill has had it at other times. We are supportive and loving of each other but can't seem to get caught up in the emotional frenzy that the other is experiencing. It can be a true challenge. I am learning to pick just one discreet and empathetic friend to share these troubles with. I try to be as charitable as possible, because once the emotion burns away, I hate to feel sad and dirty for having been uncharitable towards Bill.
I was never able to read anything about premies when I was pregnant with my twins. It was too much and I knew I would learn what I needed when the time came. God was very good. The boys came home with me even though they weighed less than 5 pounds each. I can think of a bunch of similar stories of how God provided when I needed it, but, boy, waiting to see how He is going to provide can be a bear, can't it?
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Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 1:02pm | IP Logged
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Rachel:
Has dh ACTUALLY SAID, "NO, you cannot hire help." ???
If he hasn't, then maybe he just doens't want to discuss it or think about. Maybe he just wants you to take care of it? If you know what you need, and you know you can afford it, then just do it. ....just a thought.
I have been through this with my dh too. I finally came to the realization that he doesn't know / want to problem solve with me to find the best solution. He just wants me to do it and hire/buy what I think is best.
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Suzanne in ID
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Angi
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 1:35pm | IP Logged
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Well this my first post here :) but I had to respond. I only read the original post. My have twins (21 mos) and was on modified bedrest 27 weeks. My dh didn't "get it" until at 31 weeks I was put in the hospital overnight for monitoring. Then back home on bedrest. I hceated once at 35 weeks (it was a really nice day, wanted to take the olders (almost 2 and 3 at the time) for a walk, and needed to deposit dh's paycheck. So, I walked to the bank. 24 hours later, I had the twins. 6 days in NICU. Hopefully your dh will figure it out w/o hospital stay ;) but mine did not.
Good luck and I will pray for your twins :D
Angi - off to do an into post :p
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guitarnan
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 3:05pm | IP Logged
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Rachel,
Happy birthday...and you must be so frustrated!
I agree that dh should talk with the docs ASAP. Maybe they have something in writing he could take home and look at again after the appointment.
A frank talk with a dad of twins (preferably born by C) would be a helpful thing, too, if someone around there is in your situation.
Also, he may NEED you to stay in bed and neglect the house, food, etc. so he can see exactly what is going to happen if you do have a C. Remind him that you will not be allowed to lift anything heavier than ONE of your TWO babies right after the C...no groceries, no other children, no trash bags, no lawn mower gas can...and that's if the C goes well. You just can't care for two newborns all alone when you can't pick them both up! (And bending over hurts!)
You are in my prayers. Sometimes military dads need to understand that the "best case" plan just doesn't work out. Sometimes they have trouble coping with the idea that their usually independent spouse is asking for help, help, help. They need you to be independent so they can deploy and not totally panic about the home front...and you're just not able to be that way right now. (And that is totally OK!)
Dear St. Joseph, as you enfolded the infant Jesus and His holy mother Mary in your arms and loving care, so now please intercede for Rachel and her beloved family. Help them to plan for the joyful birth of their twins, and help them to face the challenges ahead together.
Hugs from a 21-year Navy wife and mommy and C-survivor...
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Anne McD
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 3:21pm | IP Logged
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Happy Birthday, Rachel!
First of all, hugs!! I, too, wish I was closer so that I could help out! What a tremendous load you've both been asked to carry!
A couple other ladies have had great thoughts, and similar to what I was thinking. My first impression was this: men have a "fix it" mentality. If there is a problem, they come in and fix it. Game over. Maybe the fact that this problem is so big, and so out of his realm of expertise, that since he can't fix it, his brain goes into survival mode and ignores it? Even though you are giving him concrete ways to fix the problem at hand, he might just be looking at the pregnancy and all the potential problems as one piece of a huge puzzle that is overwhelming him. I can see a good sized family of young children with twins comming being enough to make a man cry, but add an impending deployment to it. . . .yikes!
I wish I had some advice, but I don't  . If you could just get him to open up and "talk about his feelings . . . " (I know, I know )
I'll pray for you!!
(wait a minute, your sister wants you to go to her wedding, too, right? Honey, God's got something good planned for you, considering all He's asking of you now! )
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Anne
Wife to Jon
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and baby on the way! 10/14
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KC in TX
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 3:31pm | IP Logged
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The ladies have given you great advice so I'll chime in and say "Happy Birthday!!!"
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KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
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Michaela ('01)
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4 lads mom
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Happy Birthday, Rachel!!!
Keep us updated,
4 Lads' Mom with baby due in Sept.
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Mom of four brave lads and one sweet lassie
Scenes From This and That
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esperanza
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 3:56pm | IP Logged
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Rachel,
Happy Birthday!
I wish I lived close by to offer help. I hear your frustration loud and clear
 ...sorry.
I have had my dh just shut down and be very indifferent during family crisis. It was so painful to not understand how to reach him.
I pray you can find a sitter and take him with you to your next appt.
My personal favorite in this kind of situation is to pray to my Guardian Angel to go to dh's Guardian Angel before I approach him.
Rachel May said: I think one of the hardest things is the need to share an emotional load with our spouse when they just aren't feeling it. I had it during my twin pregnancy; Bill has had it at other times. We are supportive and loving of each other but can't seem to get caught up in the emotional frenzy that the other is experiencing. It can be a true challenge. I am learning to pick just one discreet and empathetic friend to share these troubles with. I try to be as charitable as possible, because once the emotion burns away, I hate to feel sad and dirty for having been uncharitable towards Bill.
~good point...
I pray you find a way to meet your needs.
I pray you find the peace of Christ in your particular situation 
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In His Peace,
Tammy Gonzalez in VA
dh-Johnny
mom to Tara-'85, Noelle-'88, Jeremy-'91, Elizabeth-'93, Emma-'96, Dominic-'99, Gabriel-'01, Elijah-03
and Jacinta-06
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teachingmom
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Virginia Bluebells
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| Posted: March 26 2007 at 4:51pm | IP Logged
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Happy Birthday, Rachel! Prayers for you and your dh and your little ones.
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Well, do I cry, or yell?
