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SallyT
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| Posted: Feb 12 2011 at 10:32am | IP Logged
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I haven't been around much this year -- some lurking, but real life has been very full lately! But I think I need some wise advice about 7-year-old girls and feeeeeeeeeelings! I've done this before, but my only other girl is ten years older than this 7-year-old, and although she's turned out just fine, I can't remember how I mothered her when she was 7 (if that's even relevant, since my now-7-year-old is a different person).
The deal is that lately everything we do is supercharged with emotion. Math, for example: I'm very gentle with math, very hands-on and manipulative-y, but getting through even a short, CM-style lesson reviewing something she basically knows how to do is a tearful, fraught experience. "I caaaaaaaan't." "I don't waaaaant to." Ditto reading, though she's really very fluent, and I don't think I'm either pushing her too hard or underestimating her ability. We cuddle on the couch, we buddy-read, we choose books we like, and I'm all ready to have a cozy time, but half the time she winds up melting down over a word she's misread, usually because she's in a hurry and only glances at the first letter in her rush to get to the end of the sentence. I think what I'm seeing is a kind of perfectionism which makes her give up on things before she can fail at them (math, especially) and to be emotionally over-invested in the tiniest things. But I'm not sure what to do about it.
In general, she seems constantly to need someone to play with her, entertain her, beeeee with her, and dooooo what she wants to do, which means that around four o'clock every afternoon she's clashing with somebody who wants to do something without her or doesn't want to play her way, which invariably ends with her being sent to her room in very loud tears, to have a little rest. I do my best to give her things to do, to do things with her, to take her with my when I go places, and to make sure that I'm not ignoring her in the bustle of the day, and so on, but I also try to push her onto her own resources as much as I kindly can.
(Addendum: this is a phase which comes and goes, by the way. She hasn't always been this consistently clingy, and her 8yo brother has been her constant companion. Some of it I attribute to his increasingly wanting boy companionship -- his constant pursuit of his 13yo brother is another post in itself. And her older sister is going to college in the fall, which does make her very sad, so I know that that's going on with her as well).
Being Menopause Mom makes me, I suspect, not as patient as I was ten years ago with high-need kinds of behavior -- I can't tell you how many times already I've been to Confession over my own lack of charity in dealing with this very lovely and wonderful but currently kind of trying child. And I'm trying to remember whether seven was especially hard for my older daughter, who was a high-need kind of personality as a younger child. And I don't remember having a child who wanted to play the "poor little me, you don't love me" card as much as this child does.
I've read Dr. Ray on some of this, at least, so I can usually not get too sucked into "you don't love me." As for the rest, I've reshuffled our school day so that I'm working one-on-one with her on core things like math and reading, rather than trying to juggle her and her 8-year-old brother at once. Having my totally undivided attention seems to help, and working that way makes me more patient and responsive.
But I have trouble judging just how much to respond with what she wants and genuinely seems to need at least some of the time -- attention, attention, attention -- and how much, or when, or how, to establish that her emotions really don't run the rest of our lives, and that the job of other people is not to do what she wants 24/7, and that she needs to find something to do on her own.
I seem to recall having similar thoughts about not letting one person's emotions dominate the household when my older daughter was young, but I'm really drawing a blank about what I did about it. I was having these thoughts, and then suddenly she was/is seventeen years old and more or less an adult. What did I do? What didn't I do? What would you do?
Sally
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jillian
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| Posted: Feb 12 2011 at 11:22am | IP Logged
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I was this way as a child and it turned out that my hormones were gearing up for puberty already by that age, it might have something to do with that. I would sit down and talk to her, let her really be brutally honest and discuss what she feels, what she likes/doesn't like. I have no experience, just some suggestions. *hugs* I dread that age with dd, she is high spirited already and she's 3
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SallyT
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| Posted: Feb 12 2011 at 2:58pm | IP Logged
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I know, I was really emotional, too. And I've thought about the puberty thing -- by the time my older daughter was 9 we were heading into it, and the years between 9 and 11 were pretty stormy. Once she hit teenagerdom things really evened out, and so far my experience has been that teenagers are the most delightful people on earth except maybe babies!
Actually, I think what drives some of my current angst with this child is that I keep thinking I've got to repeat the "formula," whatever it was, that gave me good relationships with my now-teenagers -- which I know is nonsense! But that doesn't stop that track from playing in my mind.
Much of the time, honestly, she's a sweet, lovely, loving child and delightful company. But she does seem to want to identify with me very strongly, to be with me non-stop, talk to me all the time, participate in what I'm doing (and if not me, then a sibling), and it gets kind of overpowering. I'm about to go off to Confession again, mostly to beg graces to deal lovingly (but not un-firmly) with all this.
And I keep repeating to myself that maturity makes a huge difference, and this, too, shall pass (and then I'll miss it).
Thanks for the insights!
Sally
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jillian
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| Posted: Feb 12 2011 at 3:37pm | IP Logged
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I was an "only" and was very attached to the adults in my life too. Looking back now I think one thing that might have helped me is to have had an "apprentice-ship" type thing. Maybe she needs a "job" that a girl her age could do. Could be something like a mother's helper for a family in your parish that just had a new baby but has preschoolers or something. Not let her baby-sit them one-on-one but with the mom still there having some quiet bonding time with baby or getting lunch/dinner done or whatever your daughter could help entertain the youngers. I would love a mother's helper with my 3 year old lol.
I'm sure you know this but every kiddo is different. I'm a big fan of gentle parenting (don't know what Dr. Ray says since I've not read any of his works but need too, he's in a field I want to be in) so it might be something simple like she just needs to develop interest with someone/some people with the same interests that she can connect with.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Feb 12 2011 at 3:43pm | IP Logged
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Even if they're not on the verge of puberty at this age.. they do seem to go through an emotional instability about this age.. I know there was a lot of posts about 8 year olds not that long ago.. i'll hunt them up as soon as I have time.. I have time now because I'm nursing the baby but I'm in the midst of getting ready for some company so it might be later this afternoon/evening.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Feb 12 2011 at 3:52pm | IP Logged
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ah ha 7 yo girls - help!
And I posted a couple links to other threads within that one.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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SallyT
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| Posted: Feb 12 2011 at 4:53pm | IP Logged
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Ah ha! What I think I really needed to be reminded of was that this is a *stage*. Thank you so much, Jodie -- I'll enjoy reading that conversation. Should have thought to go looking for something . . . if I'd thought about it, I'd have known it was there.
And Jillian, I think your observation about an apprenticeship is really apt. I know that both my daughters, much more than my sons, have really blossomed when they've had attention and responsibility lavished on them by someone other than me. This is why, although I've otherwise never considered sending kids to school, that thought has actually flitted across my mind with regard to this child (though my oldest did go to school and it ended up being *not* a flourishing experience, which is why we're all home now). She does love her Faith Formation teacher -- we're blessed to be in a parish with an excellent program -- and her American Heritage Girls group, and I think that that will probably be enough. Being a "youngest," though, she is torn between wanting to be the baby and wanting to do grownup things. I had her polish silverware today, for example, and ironing napkins keeps her happy for a good long spell when she needs something to do. It is hard to see the older kids being allowed to do things (and of course if you're the little person you never notice the responsibilities that accompany the privileges and freedoms), and to have to wait to get older.
I do like Dr. Ray, what I've read of him -- he's very no nonsense without being harsh or punitive. I tend towards gentleness myself, but I do think that reasonable, firm limits are a good thing, and that kids don't actually, deep down in themselves, *want* to get away with out-of-control behaviors, whether it's habitual weepiness or defiance, or tantrums or whatever. I have several high-energy, intense kids, and though they don't necessarily like the process of learning self-control, they are happier when I enforce the limits that they can't quite enforce for themselves yet. Last year for Father's Day, my teenager wrote her father a letter thanking him for, among other things, "not letting me get away with anything." So I try to remind myself of that, too, when a weeping drama child is making me feel like a meany . . .
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jillian
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| Posted: Feb 12 2011 at 4:56pm | IP Logged
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Sally, thanks for the review on Dr. Ray. I need to check him out, the next time I get a little extra funds I plan on getting his Discipline That Lasts A Lifetime book.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: 7-Year-Old Girl Emotions
