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Maggie
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| Posted: March 23 2015 at 8:34pm | IP Logged
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Dear Moms--
my poor dd is learning a very difficult lesson in life. When she was 6, she was playing with a group of girls from our hs group who decided to ostracize her and told her to "go play with the boys". As a 6yo, she did was very angry and didn't handle herself well. She hit the 9yo on the arm...granted, what she did was very wrong. She did apologize to the girls. But since then (3 years later) this family has ostracized my daughter very badly. My daughter does not understand whispering and secrets and other actions that girls do to get under other girls' skin. This family seems to have spread gossip about my daughter (at least, other little girls have told my daughter this), and this particular family seems really bent on trying to ensure my daughter has no friends to play with. It keeps happening that when together in groups, this other little girl will invariably tell my dd's friends to not play with her--and they listen. This hurts my dd so much! Up to this point, I have handled it by telling my dd that we need to forgive and practice kindness even to those who don't like us. But her little heart can only take so much. I think I didn't take her seriously enough.
Well...apparently another situation has happened. The girls were in religious instruction at a local Cath. Conference, and the same girl started whispering to all the other little girls at the table...and they all went away! I asked my dd why she didn't tell a teacher, and she said she couldn't BC last time she did that she got in trouble for "tattling" and taken out of groups altogether by the teacher. I felt so badly BC she felt she had nowhere to turn. To make matters worse, she tore the other girls' coloring sheets in retaliation. She did apologize at the end of the class and did genuinely feel remorse...
But now the parents of this other girl seem to be out for a pound of flesh! The dad of the family called me last week asking for my dh's number...he was very rude and unkind to me...I did give him dh's number...dh heard his complaints against our daughter and said he would talk to her about it... But the father seemed to insinuate that there was something deeply wrong with our daughter and that they were afraid she would physically hurt their daughter ...(who is 11-12 years old).
All this over a torn coloring sheet! While my dd hit this girl at age 6, that was 3 years ago!! And nothing like that has happened since...
Rumors are spreading in our hs community, and I am finding that my family is being completely ostracized. This other family believes their daughter is 110% innocent and would never do anything mean (that is a red flag for me--who believes that their child isn't capable of sinning???).
I understand that my daughter is no saint. Agreed. But what happened to forgiveness and charity? And forgiving again? I guess we fall so much in our household everyday that we know we can go to each other and apologize a and love...but that's not how the real world works...and it's not a guarantee in the Cath. Homeschool community.
My daughter definitely knows she has flaws...and a temper. But I am getting really worried BC she seems to be getting depressed about this ...and frankly, the site of this family puts knots in my stomach! For 3 years I have endured nasty looks from their daughter at Mass--but I've just ignored her and decided to not tell her mother BC I figured it would do no good...
But this is ridiculous and is driving me insane. I literally feel like we cannot participate in our parish or in our hs community BC of the rumors that have been spread...
Any advice appreciated...but prayers to Our Lady Undoer of Knots are coveted. Prayer is so needed here!
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Wife to dh (12 years) Mama to dd (10) ds (8), dd (1), ds (nb) and to Philip Mary (5/26/09), Lucy Joy (12/6/09), and Margaret Mary (3/6/10) who entered Heaven before we had a chance to hold them.
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Mrs. A
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| Posted: March 23 2015 at 9:30pm | IP Logged
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Prayers for your daughter and for your family as you figure out what to do. It sounds so hurtful and I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
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~ Lisa
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3ringcircus
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| Posted: March 23 2015 at 10:04pm | IP Logged
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Prayers for you and your daughter. I remember some horrible times in public school, and how hurtful it was. I hope there is a way to come to some resolution about this situation.
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Christine
Mom to my circus of boys: G-1/06, D-1/04, S-4/10
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JenniferS
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| Posted: March 23 2015 at 10:45pm | IP Logged
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Many prayers for your daughter and your family.
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Pilgrim
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| Posted: March 24 2015 at 4:47am | IP Logged
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Praying for you all!  
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SeaStar
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| Posted: March 24 2015 at 5:10am | IP Logged
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Oh, Maggie- this is so hard.
That one family seems to have quite a bit of influence.... and not for good, either  .
Is there any chance you could walk away (at least for a time) from this group?
It would give both you and dd some breathing/healing room. Is there a possibility that instead of group activities, you could invite 2-3 of the girls from the group over to play with dd?
In my experience, it is hard to change the attitude of parents who hold grudges for whatever reason. I will be praying for your family, especially dd!
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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guitarnan
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| Posted: March 24 2015 at 8:09am | IP Logged
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Adding my prayers.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Booksnbabes
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| Posted: March 24 2015 at 9:56am | IP Logged
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Praying for this difficult situation.
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pumpkinmom
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| Posted: March 24 2015 at 1:35pm | IP Logged
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Many, many prayers! I think you should ask for the priest's help and if he isn't able to help then you might need to walk away (change churches). A situation like this can destroy a child with certain temperaments. Many prayers!!
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Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 24 2015 at 3:30pm | IP Logged
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I agree that you may need to speak to other adults or if possible switch Churches for a time. Also having the girls over or meet separately from the difficult family is good, except that it may be harder for your daughter if they are friends without the other girl around but she's dropped when that girl is there unless you can manage to avoid any group with the other girl around. It may help with 3 years between your daughter and the other girl to look for things with more narrow age ranges to get them into separate groups.
Our experience without the additional circumstances is also that little girls (more so than boys) in the 10-14 age bracket have a really hard time with anyone who's "different" in any way. Middle schools are vicious to those little girls that don't conform to the group. We find it helps to look for friends that are younger or older when our girls are in that age.
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10 Bright Stars
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| Posted: March 26 2015 at 8:02pm | IP Logged
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I would second having a group of girls HER age over to play with that are not in the usual homeschooling group, or kids that are not necc. in that crowd. (I definitely emphasis HER age. Why want to be with the older girls?) Then, she can establish a good friendship away from the ringleader and feel confident in her own little circle of friends.
It might be helpful to possibly speak with the mother of the girl in question sometime when she is not with her children. You could just go up to her and be really friendly and smile. Say, "You know, I am really sorry about my daughter hitting your daughter when she was really little (emphasis the "little"), but I noticed there still seems to be some hurt there. Is your daughter still hurting from this? I just noticed because she seems to be upset with my daughter still which I must admit has been hurtful to my daughter, given the length of time involved. She felt really embarrassed recently because she felt hurt and left out. That is why she ripped up the coloring pages, which we have talked to her about, but I guess she is really sad feeling. I was hoping maybe we could put this behind us and try to move forward; I know it would really mean a lot to me if we could all be friends here at church since we really are a family after all." Just keep smiling, have a hopeful sound to your voice. If she doesn't respond to this, or has to vent a bit, then make sure you listen to her complaints, agree where you can, and make sure her feelings are validated, but then say, "Well, I do hope that we can be friends. I have noticed (and then try to find SOMETHING good to say about the family) to offer an olive branch of sorts that you admire this or that quality about them and would like to get to know them. Perhaps just you and the mother should try to form a bond at first, and then with that she will not be so prone to think poorly of your family, and yes! DO take refuge under Our Lady's mantle! I cannot tell you how many intractable problems she has worked out.
Also, be ready to move on. Just because there is a "Catholic homeschool group", doesn't mean everyone will get along. Sometimes homeschoolers behave particularly poorly for some reason! Some parents have a real "pretend not to notice" way of parenting when it comes to their kids, but notice things wrong in other folks' kids all the time. It may just not work out. I am sure there are other homeschooling groups for field trips etc. that are out there in your community. Anonymity might actually be sort of fun! In and out! No one really knows you all and you can just be relaxed and be yourselves! Good luck!
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SallyT
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| Posted: March 26 2015 at 9:03pm | IP Logged
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Praying for you and your family, Maggie.
Sally
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hmbress
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| Posted: March 29 2015 at 6:19pm | IP Logged
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Maggie, that sounds really painful. I wanted to suggest praying a novena to Our Lady Undoer of Knots. Like Kim said, Our Lady is able to work out so many impossible situations!
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amarytbc
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| Posted: March 30 2015 at 11:27am | IP Logged
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Maggie, I've been praying for you since I first read this. What a painful thing to go through. Reading it again makes me wonder if something else hasn't happened between the kids that you don't know about.
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4Real Forums : We Pray to the Lord
Topic: Prayers against being ostracized
