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SeaStar
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Teens
The Hard Truth About Raising Catholic Teens
I read this post recently, and it really has me thinking. I feel like I have seen/am seeing a lot of what she mentions, and I feel at times as though finding good Catholic friends for my kids is much easier said than done.
If you read it and care to share any thoughts- especially all of you who are raising teens at the moment, I would love to hear them!
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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JodieLyn
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I agree and disagree with a lot of the points.
I do think our teens need to make the choice to own their own Catholicism. I'm reasonably confident that my oldest has done so.
But in fear of all the terrible things on the internet, I think we've lost a source for truly Catholic community for our children.
How many of us even when we live with a Catholic Church in our community find it hard to find other kids that click with our kids and would be those who would support each other in being Catholic.
I know it's hard here for us. One of the best things ever for my daughter is a facebook group (facebook? horrors!) of girls and young women (single girls from 14 to 25) who while they may not be Catholic, I know the moms (an internet group I belong to made it for the daughters) and we have similiar views of morality, modesty etc. It's a wonderful group. The girls are spread across the US so while they can't get together, they have other girls to talk to about how to use makeup without going overboard, and where to find clothes and to encourage each other simply because they "get it" and spend way more time having fun than running after boys.
She has community.. community that while it's not Catholic at least supports her in going against the culture of death.
So one of the "main points" in the article about things we need to fear (yes, fear) is the one that with judicious use actually counters the culture of death.
My 16 yr old son again has found community, not with Catholics, but with Boy Scouts. And yeah he uses facebook to keep up with the boys he knows from out of the area.. boys he met at various camps.
But see.. it seems to me as Catholics by fearing the internet and how much the kids use it.. sure we're avoiding those things to be feared, we're also losing out on a way to really foster a community.. something that would only help our kids.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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pumpkinmom
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The article made me think we are all just going to go to hell!  I agree with a lot of what she is saying but it overwhelmed me to read it. It didn't offer any solutions and that is what we need. I think those could only come from those with children in their 20s who survived the teen years and report back what they learned. The blogger isn't there yet.
How many of us have been completely faithful 100% of our lives? Most people aren't and experience separation some point in their lives. Since we are all human and have free will we have to make our own choices and mistakes and learn from them. This is why our teens and/or young adults leave their faith (hopefully for a very short time)and I don't think it's a preventable thing. I wouldn't have the faith I have today if I hadn't lost touch with my faith in my late teens/early 20's. I so wish that hadn't happened but it set me on a new path and this path is much better. I just keep learning more and more every day about my faith. It's such a lovely thing! Of course, I can't for anything get my teen to see that. They have to experience it themselves. They have to make mistakes and learn from it and learn how to hear God in their lives and not just me telling them what God is telling them. 
I was raised in a family that we were only Catholic when we were at church and that wasn't very often. Almost all my extended family were Catholic and that helped to keep faith very close even though it wasn't practiced in our home. If I had a different childhood would things been different or would I have still ignored my faith? I really was ignoring it! I could clearly see it there and I just let other things (jobs, school, time with friends) get in the way. I did have a lot of guilt at this time about it though. Then I grew up, got married, had a child and I went back to the church (because I didn't want my children to have the childhood I had) but it took years before I really had my faith back (or perhaps finally got it or understood it).
I would love to hear from a person who has never lost their faith to tell me what kept them strong in their faith when the secular world was working hard on them. I always thought living out our Catholic faith in our lives, letting our kids see our faith, and sharing the faith would be all it would take. And I say that because that is what I was lacking in my childhood and teen years.
Ok, no idea if that made any sense. It's just what came to mind while reading the post.
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Cassie
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JodieLyn
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I wonder if it's not also part of the cultural phenomena of infantilizing our young adults while at the same time diminishing parental authority.
It's been proven that children will rise or lower to expectation.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
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pumpkinmom
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JodieLyn wrote:
I agree and disagree with a lot of the points.
I do think our teens need to make the choice to own their own Catholicism. I'm reasonably confident that my oldest has done so.
But in fear of all the terrible things on the internet, I think we've lost a source for truly Catholic community for our children.
How many of us even when we live with a Catholic Church in our community find it hard to find other kids that click with our kids and would be those who would support each other in being Catholic.
I know it's hard here for us. One of the best things ever for my daughter is a facebook group (facebook? horrors!) of girls and young women (single girls from 14 to 25) who while they may not be Catholic, I know the moms (an internet group I belong to made it for the daughters) and we have similiar views of morality, modesty etc. It's a wonderful group. The girls are spread across the US so while they can't get together, they have other girls to talk to about how to use makeup without going overboard, and where to find clothes and to encourage each other simply because they "get it" and spend way more time having fun than running after boys.
She has community.. community that while it's not Catholic at least supports her in going against the culture of death.
So one of the "main points" in the article about things we need to fear (yes, fear) is the one that with judicious use actually counters the culture of death.
My 16 yr old son again has found community, not with Catholics, but with Boy Scouts. And yeah he uses facebook to keep up with the boys he knows from out of the area.. boys he met at various camps.
But see.. it seems to me as Catholics by fearing the internet and how much the kids use it.. sure we're avoiding those things to be feared, we're also losing out on a way to really foster a community.. something that would only help our kids.
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Cassie
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CrunchyMom
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I think that is a fair question, Jodie. I have to say that it is baffling for dh and I to witness helicopter parents of college age students. Our parents had little input about our college choices and for four years had little to do with our life there. I mean, we maintained a relationship, but they wouldn't have had any idea of what classes we were taking or anything like that. Now, neither of us lost our faith or rebelled against how we were raised or did anything particularly stupid (unless you count my going completely nuts as a young adult and converting to Catholicism ). Why? I have no idea.  Was it because of how we were raised or in spite of it? Are things so different now that our children need us to have that heavier hand? Hard things to discern.
Certainly, there is no magic formula for this. And we could do everything exactly right--whatever that is--and because of free will, our child might still lose faith.
I agree with Cassie. The article seemed so dark and hopeless. I do see so much of what she describes and yet, I had a hard time finding good friends who shared my faith when I was young, too. I wasn't Catholic, but what she describes about youth groups was absolutely my experience as a youth, so it isn't really a revelation to me. But, I figure that we can still look to JPII when he says, "Be not afraid" and find the hope we need to just go one day at a time.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
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[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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SeaStar
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I think you raise several good points, Cassie. Even Mother Teresa had dark moments and periods of doubt and despair. We all have ups and downs in our faith. And I do think how you are raised is huge in this issue.
There is a LIght House cd- wish I knew the name- that delves into the fact that kids who are raised in homes with a devout Catholic mother (but father is not Catholic) are only 10% likely to become practicing Catholics.
Kids raised in homes with devout dads (whether or not mom was devout) are 60% likely to be faithful Catholics.
A friend of mine has this cd- I hope to be able to get ahold of a copy, too. I am very interested to hear the whole thing.
Jodie, you are very lucky to have that on line community for your daughter- that must be a blessing for all those girls!
I did have a terrible internet experience this week, though, that was a good reminder for me that the internet is the internet, no matter how much we feel safe at our favorite sites.
I was browsing around for Easter basket ideas and came to a Catholic mom blog. This mom linked to another Catholic mom's Etsy shop. So I clicked on the link, and what popped up was not a nice Catholic Etsy site, but a series of totally x-rated images.
I was in shock! How could this be? I seriously doubted this was intentional from either mom, and we have all kinds of screens and blockers on our computers.
My dh did some digging around, and as far as he could tell, this is what happened: the link I clicked on went to a domain that had recently lapsed (the mom who owned the Etsy store did not renew her domain name). Within a matter of days, the domain was bought up by this awful p*rn site.
The buy-up was so recent that the filters we use evidently had not had time to recognize the new content of the site, and so it slipped through.
THANK GOODNESS I did not have a child sitting next to me, as I so often do, while I was on line. I contacted the blog owner, who quickly took measures- she had no idea that the link was corrupt (It was in a post from 2011).
But, anyway- that just showed me in a huge way that despite my best efforts, the internet is not totally safe, and I cannot make it that way.
This is the type of stuff our kids are up against. One innocent click, and you can't unsee what you have just seen. It is so sad!!
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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CrunchyMom
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That is awful, Melinda. That is the thing that most terrifies me about raising boys today--how on earth do we guard their purity and keep them from seeing such horrors??
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
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MarilynW
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I would like to come back to this thread. I am just totally exhausted right now - we just got back from the March for Life (it was tropical this year compared to prior years!!!)
I need to read the article linked in more detail.
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Marilyn
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SeaStar
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Thanks, Marilyn- look forward to hearing your thoughts!
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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MarilynW
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I really liked the blog post. It was long and full of things to think about, so I have been reading it slowly. I agree with a lot of what she says, and I too spend a lot of time praying for my kids....and
I have so much I could say, that I don't know where to start..but I will try
1. Firstly - I just wanted to say that we have to pray for our kids to make their own choice for God and their faith. And we need to pray for their hearts. Whilst it is important to safeguard them from an ugly culture - we can do this and they can still lose their faith. Because sin comes from the heart. We can homeschool our kids, have them dress modestly, have no internet or cable, etc etc - but it can be just externals and they may not have a personal faith. And linked to this we have to make sure that OUR faith is the real deal - you cannot fake faith with a teen.
2. A few years ago I spent a lot of time just pondering the whole question and looking around for role models amongst families and friends who had teens. And I was sad, because so many seemed to have "thrown in the towel" with their teens. And in my opinion, there seemed to be some constants where the teens had left their faith - these were overuse of technology, too much time with peers and too much activity (eg sports etc which took precedence over family life) In most cases, life was so busy for these families that many did not make Sunday a priority or attend Mass together. I think this is probably still the case.
3. The whole technology thing is tough - I think our teens have to have access and learn how to use it morally and with self-control. Parents have to be the parental control (in both time and morals) and us parents have to be good examples.
4. I think there is a definite link between this thread and the Living the Slow Lifethread. We make a real effort to slow down and live intentionally as a family - and hopefully this will help us.
5. I really recommend Mark Mallet's post on Losing our Children
6. We have to remember to raise our kids to LOVE. Sometimes in faithful Catholic circles, teens may be outwardly moral but are judgmental and critical - and lack generosity and kindness.
I could say lots more...I just want to end with saying that much of it does depend on us mamas and dads. Yes our kids have free will - but we have such a great influence on them and we have to constantly pray and make decisions which will help lead them to heaven.
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Marilyn
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SeaStar
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Thank you for your input, Marilyn- so very good. I read the article you linked about losing your children- also very good.
Quoting from that article- the author is talking about forming a personal relationship with God as being key. He mentions that Catholic schools and/or youth groups are often, ironically, not the places to foster this.
No, you must find out where streams of living water are flowing, where there is that divine “medicine” we read about in today’s Gospel. Find out where kids are being changed and transformed, where there is an authentic exchange of love, ministry, and grace.
OK- so where are these places?? That is my question. I agree that the youth groups I have been involved in are more about showing the kids a good time at church so they will like it there- oh, yeah- and maybe doing a service project- than learning to know, love and serve God. 
Maybe these places are just in our own homes, working and serving as a family, and the places where we volunteer and work together with our children.
Praying for the hearts of our children- yes, that is key. Thank you for a timely reminder!
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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JodieLyn
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Like anything it will depend on how the program is run BUT... Life Teen is concerned about fostering that personal relationship with Jesus. It's Eucharistic centered. It's authentic Catholic Teaching. I'm involved in the program at our Church and I'm really pleased with the materials provided as well as it's emphasis not only on learning about Catholicism but in the fostering a relationship with Jesus and in building community. It's not perfect and it's not the only solution, and it's not even all of the solution. But it is a good program so something to keep in mind if you have access to it.
They practice what they preach.. The Life Teen Staff have a Holy Hour every Thursday.
And of course I can't find it at the moment but I remember reading that kids involved in Life Teen had a higher proportional representation in the seminaries.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
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JodieLyn
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Ok I'm going to attempt to say this re: protecting children from what they might see. Please read the whole thing so that I can manage to get the whole thought out.
"One innocent click, and you can't unsee what you have just seen."
And yet our God is a God of second chances. While we might not be able to "unsee" we can choose not to entertain the memory.
I'm not saying that we shouldn't be careful and protect our children. But I also think the level of *fear* is perhaps overblown. I am NOT saying that we shouldn't try and protect them. But it's really not the end of the world or even the end of innocence if they do see something.
I'd be much more concerned with how we choose to react, what will they learn from our reaction. It's not a small thing but are we going to react like they're now doomed forever or like they stumbled and just need to pick themselves up and keep going and how to do that?
There are things that terrify me for my children. But the fact that they're human, that they'll stumble, that they'll sin and need forgiveness isn't one of them. (thinking they don't need forgiveness though.. yikes)
I'm not saying these aren't things we should be concerned about. I'm just a bit concerned about the level of fear I hear.. not just here.. but a lot of places.
And I think perhaps that the fear is what tends to cut out one of the few ways for Catholic teens to know and support one another when there's just not enough of them in a community otherwise. Most of my kids only have 2-4 other children in their grades. And not all of them are as concerned with being Catholic or following Catholic teaching. So it's pretty slim pickings and then add in personal quirks and interests and it's easy to see why the kids don't have Catholic friends locally.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
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SeaStar
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I don't know if it's as much fear as it is anger, Jodie. I am angry that I have to be on guard on this way all the time, and something that can be as useful and helpful as the internet has such a huge dark side... because it really does.
And sadness, too- that we can't assume basic human decency anymore.
Our kids are really the first generation to grow up with the internet. It will be interesting to see where it all leads.
I did not know about Life Teen, so thanks for the heads up!
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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Martha
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Jodie -
I'm so glad you said it instead of me.
Modesty police aren't doing anything for their cause and much to damage it IMO.
ETA: ugh. I had a bunch of stuff after that but it didn't post the rest?
Just to be clear... I'm not for letting it all hang out either. But I too have noticed a lot of fear mongering sometimes combined with scrupulosity. I can understand how that would make the faith very unnecessarily difficult for a young person.
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guitarnan
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Sometimes teens can find these places through ministry. Older teens can help with peer ministry (a big part of Life Teen, from what I understand), or with ushering, greeting,etc., at church. My daughter, who tried Life Teen in our parish but felt frozen out because she doesn't have those school connections to other teens, has found a wonderful youth choir...not in our parish but in a neighboring parish...all the girls are so kind and caring. The director and accompanist are as devout as they are talented. She felt at home instantly. Yes, I have to do more driving. It's totally worth it.
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MarilynW
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Ugh - I have tried to post to this twice and have lost posts both times. Will try to post again later.
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Marilyn
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guitarnan
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I'm sorry you're having so much trouble, Martha!
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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MarilynW
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SeaStar wrote:
T
OK- so where are these places?? That is my question. I agree that the youth groups I have been involved in are more about showing the kids a good time at church so they will like it there- oh, yeah- and maybe doing a service project- than learning to know, love and serve God.
Maybe these places are just in our own homes, working and serving as a family, and the places where we volunteer and work together with our children.
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Melinda - it is hard to find these places. Last year we moved parishes - to one that we think is much better for fostering faith and friendships for our children.
My dd, now at a faithful Catholic college is in social and friend heaven. She is having a great time surrounded by kindred spirits and those who share her faith, morals, and interests.
I think friends and peers are important if you can find the right ones. But I think our homes are the most important - creating a place where our kids love to hang out.
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Marilyn
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: The Hard Truth About Raising Catholic
