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myheaven1967
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I am in dire need of advice.
Our daughter is 21 years old.She became involved with a young man that is 24. This young man has 2 children from 2 previous relationships. I am not thrilled. Recently, he took one of the mothers to court for joint custody. The court agreed to terms. All well and good. The mother decided she did not like those terms, and refused to allow the child to see the father.
Here is where it gets terrible. So because he was very, very upset, he attempted suicide. The family was not sure he was going to make it. My daughter was beside herself. She has only been with him for 1.5 months.
He came to today, and my daughter has decided to stay with him. I have serious issues with this. What if life gets overwhelming again and my daughter and him are married and they have children? I don't trust this.
Yet, she is 21 and has the right to make her own choices. She does live under our roof. And I told her he was not welcome here.
We still have four young, impressionable boys here at home. She was not raised Catholic but was raised with family values.
Am I being too harsh? What would you mamas do? I am so tired. I don't feel like I can keep picking up her pieces of her heart that are scattered everywhere.
Thank you kindly.
Jill
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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SuzanneG
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I would actually WANT him to come around....so I could see what his state is and what red flags appear so I could coach her through "this."
Whether "this" is go go forward with a healthy-relationship with someone who made lots of mistakes in the past but is showing amazing virtue and fortitude (which I highly doubt).
Or....whether "this" is to make an educated and prayerful decision about her future husband, guided by you and your husband, who obviously have her very best interests at heart.
This is your opportunity to guide her through this very-real-life situation....talk, talk, talk....point things out, discuss, problem-solve, role-play, use personal examples and other people's examples, etc. This could be an amazing time for her to really GET so many things.
I know you're tired....but you can DO THIS! Do NOT throw in the towel. This is your coaching-role that God has put in front of you and you CAN do this!
I know she is 21, but she still is under-your-roof....so make sure she is pulling her weight around the house, is busy with outside jobs, study, other friends, outings with you, babysitting, serving others, etc. Her mind needs to be occupied with lots of other things so that it will be easier to "guard her heart and thoughts"....through all of this. Encourage her to keep perspective....she's only seen him for 1.5 months for goodness sake.
Yes to christian charity. No to throwing your heart and life at a situation that could be potentially disastrous!
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| I don't feel like I can keep picking up her pieces of her heart that are scattered everywhere. |
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You won't HAVE to! Guide her, explain, warn her, keep things light and focused on lots of other things! Keep her engaged and talking with you. If she does get her heart broken....oh well...moving on....it's NOT the end of the world...don't give in to that 20-year-old-female-dribble......
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Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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myheaven1967
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Thank you. I truly needed an outsiders kick in the pants. I believe that you are right. If he is visible, I can see things more than if they are out. If they are out I only get hearsay. Oh this or that happened. I actually liked him before all this came about. I can imagine he is tormented by his choices he's made in life. But I am not here to judge. I just want my daughter to be safe, and to have happiness in life.
I know about depression, sadly. But taking a life, I do not. Nor do I ever want to. This was to close for me.
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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jawgee
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I love Suzanne's suggestions. He is a young man in need of guidance and love. Be careful not to talk badly about him, especially in her presence. She will feel the need to defend him and protect him, and it could likely cause a wedge between the two of you.
SuzanneG wrote:
| This is your opportunity to guide her through this very-real-life situation....talk, talk, talk....point things out, discuss, problem-solve, role-play, use personal examples and other people's examples, etc. This could be an amazing time for her to really GET so many things. |
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This is great. Talk, but don't lecture. Problem-solve, but don't judge. Use examples of other peoples' decisions, challenges, and mistakes, but don't condemn.
 Keeping you in my prayers. This is such a difficult situation.
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Monica
C (12/2001), N (11/2005), M (5/2008), J (8/2009) and three angels
The Catholic Cup on Facebook
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stefoodie
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SuzanneG wrote:
| This is your opportunity to guide her through this very-real-life situation....talk, talk, talk....point things out, discuss, problem-solve, role-play, use personal examples and other people's examples, etc. This could be an amazing time for her to really GET so many things. |
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Yes, this.
I would welcome this man into our home and see if he is also in need of parenting and if he's open to receiving it from us. Some of them are just SOOOOO lost.
We would continue to guide our daughter, leaving the ultimate decision -- to stay with him or leave him -- up to her, but like Suzanne said -- discuss, discuss, discuss. Help her process what she's going through, if this is something she can live with, if this is a cross she's prepared to carry maybe for the rest of her life. Remind that Christian marriage = forever, not something to be taken lightly, not something you enter with one eye on the door in case you need to get out.
I wouldn't be worried about my boys as long as, same thing -- help them process things. This is a FAMILY thing and hopefully your daughter and her young man would at least recognize that. Whatever they do will affect your family whether they intend to or want to or not -- there are ripples/consequences for every action.
If/when the man gets close enough to your family (if daughter is deciding to stay with him then that's something I would definitely pray for, that he sees you guys as his allies/he's got you in his corner) -- perhaps recommend professional help if he's not already getting it? Suicide attempts are signals that there's something very very wrong inside, but of course you already knew that. While someone's love and support -- your daughter's -- is important, understand that there are things there that may be beyond what she/your family can help him with.
Offering prayers for all of you, esp. your mama's heart. I totally understand. 
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stef
mom to five
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ekbell
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I know a man with serious issues with depression and one thing you may wish to point out to her is that he's *very* unlikely to be in a good place to engage in a serious relationship.
Such a relationship takes time and energy which he is unlikely to have and if he's like the man I know he will likely be all too aware that he is 'failing' at being a 'good' boyfriend.
Another point is that he is obviously not in the best state of mind for making long-term or serious decisions. It may be some time before he is healed enough to make such decisions.
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SeaStar
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Along the discussion line...
if God is calling your daughter to marry in the future, he already has created a man who is the VERY BEST man in the world for her.
Is this guy looking like the VERY BEST? Is he someone a loving father, who wants his daughter to be happy and cared for and loved as part of a truly united team, would pick out for her?
Sometimes Satan brings forward *his* best first- someone who looks attractive or needs our help or professes to love us but is not the one God has in mind. Stressful relationships, broken marriages, unhappy families... these things all make the devil mighty happy.
You are tired, Jill. You can't do it all... maybe you don't even know what to do or how to help your daughter anymore. But that is *perfect*... because that is when you can turn it all over to God and let his strength and wisdom carry you through.
Throw yourself on God's mercy. He will give you the right words to say, the right examples to bring up, the opportunities to talk, the strength to keep going. Sometimes we feel like we have to figure it all out ourselves when in reality, God already has the solution we need. He will not let you down!
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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myheaven1967
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I just cried out this evening when we went to Church.
My husband is beside himself. He does not want this man in my daughters life. I csn completely understand. No job, and now, yes do unstable that's not going to happen any time soon. At the moment,he is still in the hospital. Which is a good place for him.
I liked him at first. But now, well now, I pray, and yes discuss. He promised her he would not do anything to himself. Then he did. I sm just do torn.
No, i honestly do not think this is the right young man for my daughter but I thought that before all this happened.
My daughter is well aware marriage is a one time deal. She sees her parents. Phew... i am doing something right.
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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JodieLyn
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Just remember that young adults are like playing a game of tug-o-war.. if you pull they'll pull back. The more you can be on "her side" without needing to push the young man away.. the easier it will be for her to admit that something is not right.. if she's fighting against you about it.. it'll be much harder for her to admit that she was wrong. In many ways you need to be neutral.. that way she's not having to deal with your emotions on the situation in addition to her own. I've had a number of times when I don't want to share (yes even now in my 40's  ) simply because someone else's worry is so over the top that I can't be the one worried or concerned.. instead I'm shoved into the position of having to reassure them.. making for totally ridiculous situations.
That said. I've know two young men who married women who were somewhat mentally unstable and found that it only got worse.. both had to get out of the marriage. In one case a child was involved. It was very sad. But they too didn't want to recognize that this otherwise lovely person was "damaged" in such a way that it makes living with them incredibly hard.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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Kathryn
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Sounds like this advice as been offered up above before I read I posted but here were my thoughts.
I would keep her as close to you as possible and talk with her as much as possible using questions as opposed to lectures. Things that come to mind for me: Ask if this is how she envisioned her "knight and shining armor"? Ask if this is how she envisioned her family (dealing with children from 2 diff moms)? How will that affect her future children to have siblings scattered here and there? Ask if she feels obligated to stay with him to be HIS savior? If possible, I would ask if they've been physically intimate as this is likely going to seriously cloud her thinking but let her know that if so, it's OK to realize we all make mistakes but it's ok to walk away from unhealthy relationships. It sounds like she needs to do some serious soul searching. I hope you are able to help her thru this gently. It's really very sad for everyone. Prayers for her wisdom.
Although my kids are a younger (mid teens) I already talk to them often about guarding their heart, not giving away pieces of themselves, stay pure in mind and body. It's not too late to have these discussions although I know the format will be different.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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MichelleW
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I think you are a wise and loving mother, and that the women who have responded above have given you sound advice.
I want to gently say that I was the broken one. When dh and I started dating I was suicidal, and my life was a mess. We dated for 2 years. During that time his parents were so concerned. They were kind and wonderful, but he broke up with me 3 times on their advice. Each time, we agreed to separate and pray. Each time we reunited, we had a stronger foundation. When he asked me to marry him, I knew him to be a mighty man of God. I trusted him. His parents embraced me wholeheartedly from the moment we said, "I do." I know it hasn't been easy, but they shared their wholeness with me. Now I look back as a parent and think of how I must have looked to dh's family. I am grateful they allowed him to prayerfully follow his heart. We have been married for almost 27 years.
For what it's worth.
(hugs)
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Michelle
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myheaven1967
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Michelle, you brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. Thank you for your honesty.
My husband and I have had some deep discussions over all this, and today my daughter, finally ready to talk, we had a good talk too. He is going into a hospital to get help.
If he does this, I hope it really does indeed help him.
Trying to look at it from her point of view, I loved my husband from our first date. We are intense. I know that. I think she must be the same.
She wants to stand by him, and so, I need to stand by her. They will be apart for some time. If they make it through this.... ?
I will continue to pray. And pray. Maybe God did bring them together? I don't know. Only time will tell. I am terrified for her. But, for her I will be strong.
THANK YOU so much for everyone's thoughts and prayers.
Warmly,
Jill
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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anitamarie
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You've received great advice already, just one more thought.
Hopefully, during this time , you can have some really good discussions about what a healthy relationship looks like and a healthy person. A good book about marriage is "For Better, Forever" by Greg Popcak. He has a great discussion on different types of marriages going from unhealthiest to healthiest. That might be a good place to start with her. She may not yet understand relationships very well and need help not learning the hard way.
Prayers for you all.
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SallyT
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Actually, if you think it might help her gain some perspective, judgment, and relational coping skills, actually talking to Dr. Popcak for a few sessions might be a useful thing.
I have sought counseling from him, and found him to be quite good and VERY helpful in getting a handle on a particular situation.
That might be a bridge too far at this point, but having a real live person who knows how to ask good questions and explore why you find yourself in a particular kind of dynamic can be a very helpful, supportive thing. He depends a lot on the Ignatian method of discerning spirits -- if you have a particular thought or feeling, where is it coming from, spiritually? -- so you know how better to judge a situation and your reactions to it.
Anyway, just throwing that out there as an extension of anitamarie's book recommendation.
Sally
PS: I think if I were going to pitch it to her, I'd do it from the standpoint of the need for support and discernment in what everyone can acknowledge is a difficult relationship, with some "special needs," and the possible need for an objective voice in the discussion to help her sort through her own feelings about it and strategize about what her next move might be, without any emotional investment or judgment of her boyfriend.
Again, just something to think about, if this is feeling too big for you. There is faithful Catholic help out there.
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Castle in the Sea
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Kathryn
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SallyT wrote:
Actually, if you think it might help her gain some perspective, judgment, and relational coping skills, actually talking to Dr. Popcak for a few sessions might be a useful thing.
I have sought counseling from him, and found him to be quite good and VERY helpful in getting a handle on a particular situation. |
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Yes...this excellent advice. I think a professional can provide insight to everyone. Sometimes it's good to have an outside view from someone that isn't so close to the situation.
I am curious and have often wondered, Sally, what his fees are? I've felt many times like I needed to put him on speed dial! 
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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jawgee
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Kathryn wrote:
| I am curious and have often wondered, Sally, what his fees are? I've felt many times like I needed to put him on speed dial! |
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I can't remember off the top of my head, but I spoke to one of the counselors there about setting up a session last month and I think it was in the range of $100/session. You must personally pay, because they do not accept insurance. However, if your insurance covers out-of-network providers, you can submit the bill to them for reimbursement.
SallyT wrote:
| PS: I think if I were going to pitch it to her, I'd do it from the standpoint of the need for support and discernment in what everyone can acknowledge is a difficult relationship, with some "special needs," and the possible need for an objective voice in the discussion to help her sort through her own feelings about it and strategize about what her next move might be, without any emotional investment or judgment of her boyfriend. |
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This seems like a great way to handle a delicate situation!
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Monica
C (12/2001), N (11/2005), M (5/2008), J (8/2009) and three angels
The Catholic Cup on Facebook
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SallyT
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Yes, Dr. Popcak charges $125 per session. Not cheap! But really worth it, if you can do it. He also doesn't encourage open-ended, ongoing counseling -- one of the things he does is to ask you, at the first session, to set a goal for your series of counseling sessions (for example: "Not to have anxiety attacks about X"), so that the meeting of that goal means the end of the counseling. You could also opt not to meet every week.
I'm not in counseling with him any more, but at the time when I needed it, he was a truly helpful and encouraging listener and voice. I always felt better after a session with him.
Sally
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Castle in the Sea
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: I need Godly advice
