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knowloveserve
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| Posted: July 22 2014 at 8:26pm | IP Logged
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Hit me with your best ideas ladies.
I am ashamed to admit that most of my children have a serious problem with being ungrateful. I'm sure this is due to parental something, but I'd sure like to know what so we can beat this beast tearing apart our days!
Picture books, Aesop's Fables... these are nice but frankly, have not helped much. And despite efforts from my spouse and I on deliberately calling attention to even little things we are grateful for... we are still in need of some real solutions that can be systematically applied. Because I'm tired of things like this:
-We go to a birthday party and the 9 year old is sullen because he can't have a second piece of cake.
-We spend time with good friends for a whole afternoon and all the kids whine and cry when it's time to leave.
-Disgusted faces at suppertime, even though I do not tolerate picky eating habits; if a meal is not preferred the child is not forced to eat it but no other options will be offered.
-Angry that we only order one scoop of ice cream when the child wants two.
-We take the family bowling on a special day and attitudes come out when we refuse to give out money for the arcade games.
-Time with friends is never enough.
-One movie or television program is never enough.
More! More! More! Me! Me! Me!
My children aren't "spoiled" as far as I can tell. Nor do they come from a privileged background insomuch as they can take pleasure in very simple days and very simple gifts etc. But I know we are currently doing a lot of "remedial" parenting now because I had some bad and very lazy habits as a "single mom" when my husband was military and deployed often. But now we are civilians, living normal lives and that laziness has come back to bite me and we are now wading through a quagmire of many issues. In fact, I'm placing ALL homeschooling subjects on the back burner this year as we prioritize WITH URGENCY Life Skills and Character Skills... because what's the point of raising a Harvard graduate if he can't properly greet a person or wipe down a table or be thankful for the generosity of others?! Anyway, for all the flaws I have as a mother... I desperately want to discover what is causing this awful behavior and how to remedy it. What am I doing wrong?
How do you deliberately raise grateful children... in ways beyond stories and copywork verses?
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Ellie
The Bleeding Pelican
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: July 22 2014 at 10:34pm | IP Logged
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I think that all children sort of fall into these behaviors some if the time, but I agree it is a problem to deal with it consistently.
My first reaction is that not all your scenarios are simply the result of lack of gratitude. They are bad habits in their own right and might be dealt with in different ways.
This leads me to my second question, which is how do you respond to these scenarios?
Complain about not getting two scoops of ice cream? I would firmly tell them to change their tune quickly or they wouldn't get any! The same with television, which I have and do deal with. It sucks them in, and I think it's drug like effects are at play more than a lack of gratitude over having been allowed to watch. Regarding leaving friends, I would coach them ahead of time about how they are to act when we leave if they want to get to go see friends next time they are invited, and then I would offer warnings leading up to departure time so they can transition a bit. And with the cake thing, it is tricky since you don't want to hurt the birthday child's feelings or ruin the party for siblings, but that child might have to leave the party with me or something until they were prepared to have a happy heart.
We do talk about obeying right away with a happy heart and perform lots of do-overs for sulking, whining, etc...if a child expresses displeasure in an obnoxious way, I model the correct way and have them repeat it. Regarding food, "It's not my favorite," is something I often hear when a boy is very reluctant about a particular dish, and I know it is because it is a phrase my husband uses on this way.
Upon further thought, I think that trying to talk through parties, outings, and treats ahead of time so that everyone is on the same page with their expectations is probably a pretty big part of why my children don't react so strongly much of the time. As I think about this, we talk through these things a lot before we go or on the way. My husband is pretty big on role playing and has a lot of fun coming up with scenarios and asking the boys what they should do or say.
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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guitarnan
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| Posted: July 22 2014 at 11:08pm | IP Logged
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Quote:
| Upon further thought, I think that trying to talk through parties, outings, and treats ahead of time so that everyone is on the same page with their expectations is probably a pretty big part of why my children don't react so strongly much of the time. As I think about this, we talk through these things a lot before we go or on the way. My husband is pretty big on role playing and has a lot of fun coming up with scenarios and asking the boys what they should do or say. |
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THIS.
Pre-event discussions, working through scenarios and anticipating those awkward moments...these strategies work. Particularly, in my somewhat limited experiences, with boys. (I have one boy and one girl; I'm blessed, but don't have experience with a wide range of personalities. However, I have a lot of volunteer hours to my credit, with both boys and girls, so I feel I can comment.)
My son is 22 and we still do this. If college counselor A says this, what will you do? Here are some ideas!
I would continue on your consistent path - I can tell from the way you wrote your post that you and your husband are planning family activities in advance and working together to make sure everyone has fun without breaking the bank, so to speak. Children need consistency, even when they whine about unfairness and complain that your rules are too difficult to follow.
We have found that occasional family meetings, where information is passed along in an age-appropriate manner, can help smooth over some of the "Why can't we have/do/eat THIS?" moments. Our children know what we're willing to do and pay for, and they know from past experience that we won't change our minds.
We have always offered bread and butter to those at our table (regardless of age) who did not wish to eat the meal I served. No one goes hungry in my home, but no one treats the chef (me, my husband, friends who are grilling, etc.) as a short-order cook.
Choose the battles you really need to fight, fight them and figure out compromises for the other issues.
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: July 23 2014 at 12:23am | IP Logged
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This is very much what I was going to say.
Also, some of it is simply immaturity and needing to learn how to handle disappointment in an acceptable manner.
I often use the reminder phrases of "do we need to leave now?" and "do you want me to bring you back again?" to help them remember.
And also transitions are simply harder for kids. I can say time to go and even if I wanted to stay longer, I can walk away.. but kids, especially if they don't have enough of a warning (this varies so it may be something you need to adjust even if you do it already) then it's really hard.
Also, what about getting the kids watches? Even little kids who aren't really telling time can be given instructions that let them figure out when it's time to go by their watch which will help them transition better than mom "out of the blue" saying it's time to go.
Oh and I have no trouble at all sending a child who is rude about what's for dinner to their room. When they can come out and apologize they may rejoin us. So this isn't a set time.. it's just that if they can't be nice they need to remove themselves until they can be nice.
The other things that really helps is getting kids involved in the cooking.. they'll soon figure out how nice it feels when someone thanks them or compliments their dish and how it feels when someone is rude about it.
I don't pay for video games either generally. But I might allow children to bring their own money.. or even have a family quarter bag.. that people can put quarters in... maybe say a set amount of $1 per kid minimum in the bag and they can use that for video games.. and if they don't have enough for everyone to have that amount then no video games. And let the kids save the money.
Oh and as far as begging for anything whether it's more time or tv or money or candy in the grocery line.. I find the less emotion I invest the faster they desist. So they will get a "no" with no variation, no emotion, no explanation and probably not even any eye contact.. I'm just above all that 
And because I can't seem to shut up tonight  I also talk to the kids about attitude. And often "that attitude is unacceptable" or "you need to change your attitude".. because sometimes it's not what they're doing or saying but rather their attitude about it. Sometimes with some kids sending them to their room for instance helps, they need time away from people to get themselves back under control. But other kids will "victim talk" themselves if they're left alone. Like "I don't know why I got in trouble, if so-n-so hadn't done that then I wouldn't have had to..." So when I've had a child that is way over the top (imo) about doing this, then I have them do something like stand facing a wall close to me so that I can redirect the talk from "but they made me" to "I shouldn't do..".. lots of "this isn't about them, this is about you and what you did".. There's way to much support in society for being a victim and expecting everyone else to cater to you.. I feel it needs a strong stamping out.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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SeaStar
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| Posted: July 23 2014 at 6:04am | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
| Oh and as far as begging for anything whether it's more time or tv or money or candy in the grocery line.. I find the less emotion I invest the faster they desist. So they will get a "no" with no variation, no emotion, no explanation and probably not even any eye contact.. I'm just above all that |
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What Jodie said.  I use the 1-2-3 Magic Strategy (love that book).
I don't argue, answer, explain... if the whining/begging/complaining starts, all the kid gets from me is: that's one. That's two.
We don't usually get to three because my kids know that they *will* be sent to their rooms (or have to leave a park/friend's house/party) if they persist.
Other things we do:
During our nightly rosary, everyone takes a turn saying three things (sometimes there is a long list) he/she is thankful for.
As far as meals: I usually squelch complaining with my 1-2-3 thing, but sometimes I offer an alternative: You don't like this dinner? OK- you can wait for breakfast. No problem.
Set a timer. At the park, I give a five or ten minute warning and say: I'm setting the timer! Then when the timer goes off- it's fair and square. Timer is beeping... time to leave.
I think the heart of all these problems is Original Sin, and not your laziness, Ellie. Human nature makes us selfish, greedy and unthankful. I know I have to work on all three of those myself still, so keeping that in mind, I realize it is an on going learning process for my dc.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
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knowloveserve
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| Posted: July 23 2014 at 4:58pm | IP Logged
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Good. Good. Good!
1- Outline expectations more. Yes. I need to do this more often. Whenever I have in the past, it has helped quite a bit.
2- Re-do. Yes! Lots of "try again" role playing or makeover reactions need to be practiced. This helps balance out the strictly punitive methods of trying to fix bad behavior.
3- Eliminate emotional reactions and answers. Check!
Thank you all... Any other ideas, please shout!
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Ellie
The Bleeding Pelican
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Cultivating Gratitude
