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Natalia
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| Posted: Sept 21 2007 at 6:36am | IP Logged
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Hello Ladies!
Last week my dd (14) asked to be on Facebook. A friend of hers has a page there and asked her to join.I don't know much about it. Could you guys fill me in? Should I stay away from FB? What is the difference between FB and My Space? positive aspects? negative? Anything I should know?
Thanks,
Natalia
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stefoodie
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What I like about Facebook: You can be as private as you wish. e.g., You can limit your profile so that only certain people see it.
What I don't like about it. People CAN search for you, and if they find you, they can add you to their list of friends, and sometimes I don't want to be found 
Don't have time to write more, but if you have any more questions, I'll be back later tonight....
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stef
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hylabrook1
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Stef -
About adding people to a Friends list: Don't they have to ask you to be added? I was under the impression that they had to ask and if you said "no", then they wouldn't have access to your page.(??)
Peace,
Nancy
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teachingmyown
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I don't know about Facebook, only Myspace.
The thing that I would think would be similar between the two is the tendency towards narcissism. These kids get so wrapped up in being cool, in how many "friends" they have. And they keep pushing the limits, with photos, comments, etc., to be cool.
This might not apply to your daughter at all. But I was very surprised how bad the myspace pages of really nice kids got. I know my son got carried away with collecting "friends" and with posting pictures of himself looking "buff". He did not personally put anything inappropriate on his site, but he ended up with many questionable "friends", especially the teenage girls who would post racy pictures of themselves.We pulled the plug on the whole thing and he got over it.
I don't know what the positives would be. They can keep in touch with friends through IM. They can maybe have just a blog if they want somewhere to express themselves without all the "friends" stuff and the risk of people making inappropriate comments.
I have heard that even some blogging moms get really caught up in how many people visit their blog or comment. For a teen, I would worry about their self esteem being effected by their online popularity.
Just my not really informed $.02! 
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Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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Natalia
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Thank you Stef, Nancy and Molly for replying.
Stef, could you tell me exactly how FB works?
Sometimes for me it is such a struggle to know when to say yes and when to say no. I want my child to grow up in a holy way. I want her to be a mature and well rounded person. How different from everybody her age should I make her? We don't want much tv, we screen the music she hears, she doesn't have unlimited internet access, she doesn't own a cell phone, and of course, she homeschools.  I wonder sometimes if all these restrictions can backfire. I feel like I am walking in uncharted territory. She is my first teenager! Well, I digress...
How can I make an informed decision about FB? Can I explore the website?
I also worry about what Molly says, the narcissistic tendencies, the being wrapped up in a kind of sub-world.
Natalia
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teachingmyown
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Natalia,
So much comes down to temperament. But, I would hold fast to the restrictions as long as you can. I tried to "compromise" and that really backfired. My son, 16, though, has always been drawn to the outside world. Different kids react differently. If I could go back, there would be no compromises, from the music to the internet, and I never would have put him in school which just exacerbated so many things. It is all just opening a can of worms, and at least for my son, it was the whole "inch, mile" thing. No compromise was enough for long.
Our poor first children! God bless them.
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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ALmom
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Natalia,
Oh do I remember saying exactly what you said with my oldest. I say No so often and she feels so different, and I agonized over every "No" wondering how many times we really should say "No." Prayers as only you and your husband can really answer this.
My dd had access to facebook for the first time in college. At home we did not even have individual e-mail. She is doing fine with facebook in college - and obviously has the maturity to handle it at this point. You do have to be asked whether or not to allow someone to access as friend. The big temptation or danger is the pool of friends growing to lots of folks you don't know too well - someone finding out about you and asking to join because they are a friend of a friend of a friend. The other danger is that you become careless about posting information since it is only friends who have access to your site - but then a friend posts or repeats that information (class schedule or other such details) on their not so restricted site and things can become more public than you intended.
The other problem is the ability to create and join groups - and though these may be great, they can also invite obnoxious comments and be turned into things they are not. Some sites on purity become sites where obnoxious folks post horrid things.
Probably the biggest problem for someone with less than stellar discipline, is the temptation to spend way too much time on the computer. This, of course, is no different than the temptation on this board that I also struggle with - being prudent in limiting time because I love the support here, but am increasingly finding that I need to not let this pleasure distract me from the duties at hand.
Gotta go attend to duty. Hope this helps. Prayers offered for your discernment. Whatever you decide, try to explain your reasons and listen to feedback from your dd (even if that won't and cannot change your mind). I repeat the other comment and plea - God Bless our oldest children.
Janet
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LisaR
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DS is not doing Facebook or Myspace for the reasons mentioned by Molly. Looks to us as if things sadly go downhill fairly quickly , even with "good" kids on there! Ds already has girls stuffing their phone numbers into his hand (he is 5 '11 and looks "old" for his very young 14 years) and we don;t think his photo or info needs to be out there in cyber space. Plus he does not need to be looking at girl's photos on there either...
enough to deal with IRL, IMHO
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
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Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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stefoodie
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I detailed our kids' online times on a post a while back but can't find it right now.
Basically they're allowed a certain # of mins. a day depending on age. 16-yo dd is allowed one hour (besides schoolwork). She's on Facebook along with some other Catholic teens (and me; I'm on her "top friends" list, so people know her mom is *there*) -- I have passwords to all her online sites and e-mail and I can check up on what she's doing anytime I want. Whenever she's chatting I am often in the room and if I know the person I'll sometimes ask what they're talking about or I'll even say "say hi for me", etc. I stay out of it enough to give her a sense of privacy but in it enough to keep her careful. She has been very open with me and I keep tabs on this openness -- knowing her well I can sense when she's hiding things -- hasn't happened often but the few times that it did I immediately asked what was bothering her and she has always been forthcoming.
I also know personally most of the people she has on her contact lists, even on Facebook, or if it's not someone I know it's someone that is a friend of a friend -- always with my approval (I check their site out to see if they have any appropriate pics, comments, etc.). If I find someone that I don't know and/or I don't approve of (e.g., posts pics of themselves scantily clad, etc., which SO FAR has not happened) they will immediately go on ban/block. So far I have asked her to stop contact with 3 people from the time she was first online at 12 years old -- just on basis of their screenname (these are people we also knew IRL).
If you feel you have the time or interest to moderate your kids' online activities, then it can be a really safe place for them to interact with friends. I do and that's what we've chosen to do. I'm being more strict with the youngers because they don't have the maturity she does. Not yet anyway. The next child in age is 11-yo ds and he is allowed 15 minutes daily after lessons, after chores, but only a game that I approve off (usually offline). They're also allowed to blog and I also monitor those. (No Facebook yet for these guys -- no need.)
So far there's only been one experience that bothered me and that was when an IRL friend started what looked like stalking behavior to me. We knew him IRL but he chose to correspond with her online to the point of making himself an annoyance. We've let her deal with it on her own, with advice and guidance for us -- meaning she wrote her own e-mail, etc. to fend him off and ask him gently to stop bothering her. He has, but we've kept hard copies of all his correspondence should there be a problem later. But if this had been a strictly cyber-friend he would have been banned/blocked pretty quickly.
It also depends on how comfortable you are with doing online stuff -- I occasionally chat with relatives and friends, so I can pretty much decode anything that goes online with the teens. And if not I ask questions. If I don't understand something that's going on or that they're up to then they're simply not allowed to engage in that activity.
My child had a MySpace site but I had her take it down after about a week -- too much icky stuff going on there. However, I'm reconsidering -- some Catholics are attempting to "take the 'net back" and there are MySpace sites dedicated to saints, etc. It's really quite exciting, but I may wait until we're certain this is okay.
FWIW, I don't think Facebook is similar to MySpace at all. The "population" is different for one thing -- for instance, Regina Doman and Lisa Hendey (Catholic Mom) are there, Domenico Bettinelli, among others. And there's one for the Pope, petitioning/urging him to get on Facebook, heee... there are pro-life groups, Latin, etc. I'm not a member of all of these but I enjoy keeping an eye on trends. It's certainly nice to see more of these Catholics online. (Oh, and Angie, Gwen and Janette (all moms here) are on there too.)
And you're right, you do have to approve/confirm before people can add you. It's another catch 22 -- I love being in touch with some people I've lost touch with, like old high school buddies, but at the same time there are some people I'd rather keep in the past .
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stef
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Natalia
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Thank Heavens she hasn't mentioned this again. So I am going to let it rest until it is brought up again. It gives me time to let it simmer a while.
Janet, you have made some good points: the meeting of people that are just loosely associated with someone you know; the temptation of wasting time on the computer.
Stef, thanks for you detailed answer. It is always helpful to me to see how other families handle issues. If I may ask, Have you seen any benefits in your dd use of Facebook?
Is there a way that I could visit the site just to see? I went to the website and didn't see a way. If I could see maybe I would could make more of an informed decision.
Natalia
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asplendidtime
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There is a youtube video which describes the origins of Facebook.
I had signed up with dh, as family and friends thought it was a great way to keep in touch...
There is little privacy on Facebook... You should look into the News Feeds (I can't remember the exact term). You basically "see" what other people said to other people. This can be a bad thing because of people's right to privacy.
And once you sign up, your agreement to let them have access to your information is IRREVOCABLE... They store your information, every bit of it, and you can never actually delete anything.
There is a relationship feed, it keeps track (without your consent) of you social life. Because I went on a class trip with one kid in highschool, he put me as we'd travelled together, so it listed him as a social relationship (I had no relationship with him), then I went on pilgrimage with a girl to Denver to see JP2 and she was listed there also.
FB keeps track of your address, phone number, credit card information, sexual orientation, sexual history, relationship status, religious orientation, political views and every person you ever knew, provided they identify you, or you identify them. Technically people put you into the system before you really consent by searching for you or inputting your email address to "invite" you to join.
You can erase info, but they store it anyway. Read the fine print and make sure that you are alright with this... See the youtube video here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwnTWZ1-UWY
Terms of Service:
>>When you post User Content to the Site, you authorize and direct us to make such copies thereof as we deem necessary in order to facilitate the posting and storage of the User Content on the Site. By posting User Content to any part of the Site, you automatically grant, and you represent and warrant that you have the right to grant, to the Company an irrevocable, perpetual, non-exclusive, transferable, fully paid, worldwide license (with the right to sublicense) to use, copy, publicly perform, publicly display, reformat, translate, excerpt (in whole or in part) and distribute such User Content for any purpose on or in connection with the Site or the promotion thereof, to prepare derivative works of, or incorporate into other works, such User Content, and to grant and authorize sublicenses of the foregoing. You may remove your User Content from the Site at any time. If you choose to remove your User Content, the license granted above will automatically expire, however you acknowledge that the Company may retain archived copies of your User Content.<<
Privacy Policy:
>>Facebook may also collect information about you from other sources, such as newspapers, blogs, instant messaging services, and other users of the Facebook service through the operation of the service (e.g., photo tags) in order to provide you with more useful information and a more personalized experience.<<
and
>> If you choose to use our invitation service to tell a friend about our site, we will ask you for information needed to send the invitation, such as your friend's email address. We will automatically send your friend a one-time email or instant message inviting him or her to visit the site. Facebook stores this information to send this one-time invitation, to register a friend connection if your invitation is accepted, and to track the success of our referral program. Your friend may contact us at info@facebook.com to request that we remove this information from our database.<<
Once signed up you can never delete your account, you can "deactivate" it but never delete it. They say this is for your benefit in case you want to join again. But I think if I would want to join again, I can take care of that... Being that I managed to sign up in the first place.
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Rebecca~Mama to
Noah 17,
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stefoodie
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Thank you so much for this very informative addition to the thread, Rebecca! I myself was not aware that we couldn't ever delete a Facebook account. That *is* a scary thought. I am now trying to think of alternatives as I'm sure dd will ask if we decide to get off FB.... sigh....
As with most things online, each family has to decide what their comfort level is, e.g., which risks are worth taking and which ones are not.
We choose to use e-mail despite the fact that e-mail is easily intercepted by people who have the know-how; we order things online using our credit card even though there are always risks associated with these types of transactions -- merchants have our information and they could at any moment fall into the wrong hands. We manage bills and bank accounts online, even though we often hear of breaches in security or information leaks. Just this month we were asked by our bank to change the PINs on our debit cards because apparently some files got stolen. There are no easy answers, that's for sure.
Dh and I just told the 2 oldest kids last night that we'll have to wean ourselves from Google so that we're not using all of their services -- they know too much! But I'm already dreading it, esp. since I'm loving Google calendar right now. The perils of technology. 
If you could post the YouTube video so dh can watch it too, when you get the chance, would appreciate it!
Thanks so much,
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stef
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LisaR
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I guess my bigger picture question is: why do they need these things?? Ds is attending school for the first time, and is around kids from 7:30 am to after 5 pm when football practice is over. I think he needs more practice and "skills" at IRL interactions, not computer,virtual ones, kwim?? and probably most of his peers do too. I just see such an abrupt rudeness on you tube, myspace, facebook, many kids blogs, etc and I think that translates then into how they treat one another when they DO see each other. And these are good kids, a large portion of them homeschoolers or former homeschoolers as well.
Not to be alarmist but it really is frightening what is on these things, or what can be collected and stored forever.
Am I naive to think that our ds could survive without it??
__________________
Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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Natalia
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Stef,
Here is the link Facebook on Youtube
Rebecca, thanks for this information. It is scary!
There is a clearer explanation
here
Natalia
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Natalia
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LisaR wrote:
Am I naive to think that our ds could survive without it?? |
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We did, didn't we?
Natalia
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LisaR
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right, I jsut don't want to be one of those "when I was your age" type of moms/people! I mean, I'm on the computer every day (and probably should not be, to tell the truth ). How much do we conform to this age and when /where do we draw the line?
can't I just go back to teaching reading and potty training? this teen stuff makes you THINK!!
__________________
Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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Natalia
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I know what you mean about not being "the when I was your age type".
Knowing when to conform and when to draw a line can definitely tax my mental and emotional energy. Sometimes I feel that I want to shut the door and let the world stop at my front porch. I guess the "bunker"mentality is not the solution either.
Natalia
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chicken lady
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Natalia wrote:
I guess the "bunker"mentality is not the solution either.
Natalia |
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Works for me
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Angie Mc
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Here's an article worth reading that discusses a case against Facebook connected to lack of security and their rapid expansion.
One downside of these online communications not yet mentioned is that my teen has come to me on three different occasions about her concerns with her IRL friend's posts. Two of these didn't need parental action taken (cussing, parent bashing,) but one did (suicidal thoughts.) So I needed to contact the family with my information and concerns - ready to take the heat if necessary. Fortunately the family was very receptive, didn't know their teen had the Facebook account, and dealt with the concern posted. It is very frustrating...many teens don't understand that their dramatic and inflamatory language can put others in a difficult situation. Granted, these sticky situations happen in real life, but none of these three posts would have happened in front of me, live and in person.
Devin and I are revisiting our decision to be on Facebook. She has benefitted from it and is disciplined but her needs are changing and she is looking at other options. We'll see...
Natalia, I'm with you  .
Love,
Love,
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Angie Mc
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Bridget
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Another thing about Facebook is that college admissions people and prospective employers will routinely search there to see what the child has written. Even good kids can say dumb things that will hurt them in the future.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Facebook Yes or No? Jan. 09 revisit
